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10 Chess Players Who Have Saved The World From Gigantic Meteorites

  • NM GargleBlaster
  • | Aug 26, 2014
  • | 6962 views
  • | 34 comments

Hello chess.com readers!  I'm absolutely thrilled to share with you some groundbreaking research on the little understood link between world chess champions and intergalactic debris avoidance. 

You see, ever since there have been chessplayers there have been meteors, and scientists have long been mystified as to why they've yet to wipe out human civilization. (Meteors, that is, not chessplayers). Well, I think I may have discovered the reason and will now present my conclusions in an easy to read list of ten items.

10) Paul Morphy

The American "pride and sorrow" of chess took Europe by storm in 1858 and then disappeared as quickly as he had arrived. This you may know already, but did you also know that Morphy, whilst in France, secretly met with Léon Foucault to develop the Foucault knife-edge test which, as we all know, greatly facilitates the reliable manufacture of telecopes?  And did you further know that, with the aid of these telescopes, the French Royal Astronomical Society was able to spot meteorite "Pépé" before it crashed into several gallons of their best Château Margaux?  

9) Wilhelm Steinitz

Steinitz's contributions to positional chess understanding are legion, but he also was one of the first chess masters to become abducted by aliens when he, lying drunk in a Bavarian cornfield, was transported onto a large silver saucer and asked to refute the Evans Gambit.  Aboard the extraterrestrial vessel Steinitz noticed a large asteroid heading towards earth and, in exchange for the captain zapping it, showed everyone the "Steinitz Gambit". The aliens have never returned.

8) Emanuel Lasker

Lasker was much more than just a chess player - he was a philosopher, a mathematician, a playwright, a breeder of pigeons, and friends with Albert Einstein.  Though normally only applicable to abstract algebra, the "Lasker–Noether theorem" is an integral component of Einstein's Meteorite Death-Ray Mark II which has saved the world nineteen times since its invention in 1912.

7) Jose Capablanca

The Cuban genius, often called the "Mozart of Chess - er, not Carlsen, the other Mozart of Chess, oh, nevermind" was arguably the game's greatest natural talent. He reputedly never studied chess and could tell everything about a position from just a glance. These abilities gave Jose lots of free time and for awhile Capablanca amused himself by serving as an Albanian spy during the First World War. In this capacity he discovered "Operation Blow Up Zee Earth Muwhahaha", a dastardly scheme hatched by Greek-Macedonian-Serbian-Vatican-Illuminati Separatists to attract metorites with a gigantic underground magnet. Capablanca naturally defused this nefarious plot with his usual charm, skill, and impeccable endgame technique.

6) Alexander Alekhine

In "My Best Games Of Chess 1924-1937" Alekhine writes, "After failing to defend the World Championship to Euwe it became clear that I would need to abstain from all forms of alcohol, gambling, and advanced rocketry in order to properly prepare for a rematch. I was able to, with great effort, free myself of the first two vices, but was unable to stop firing projectiles into low-earth orbit in an effort to deflect incoming asteroids. Fortunately, this partial implementation of my training regimen proved sufficient to defeat Euwe in 1937 and regain the title I had so carelessly squandered two years prior."

5) Mikhail Tal

Tal once sacrificed a queen and rook vs meteorite 'NN1749', destroying it completely in the ensuing attack.

4) Bobby Fischer

Fischer's mysterious seclusion from chess and society in general after winning the world championship in 1972 can only be logically explained as having something to do with the destruction of dangerous interstellar objects.  While details are admittedly fuzzy, it should be pointed out that Fischer's favorite country, Iceland, is near the top of the earth and thus closer to space than anywhere else.

3) Anatoly Karpov

It is an open secret that Karpov has employed top-level Soviet parapsychologists to hypnotize asteroids that even think about approaching the Earth.

2) Garry Kasparov

Once, after losing a game, Kasparov once punched an asteroid really hard, diverting it into the sun.

1) Hikaru Nakamura

A closely guarded government secret is that despite the efforts of all of the above (plus Kirsan Ilyumzhinov) the earth was struck in the late 90's by large meteor, destroying most life on our planet.  Among the few survivors was none other than Hikaru Nakamura due to being submerged deep in a basement playing bullet chess.  To save humanity the US Government decided on a desperate gamble based on temporal dilatations that have been known to occur near Nakamura's internet connection as a consequence of his mouse travelling near the speed of light.  To harness this power Nakamura was forced to play a thousand games of 1 0 against Fritz, causing a hyperdimensional translation of our entire solar system several weeks backwards in time and destroying the asteroid before it ever entered our atmosphere.

***

I hope you have enjoyed this list of chess players and meteorites.  Please check out these other important articles:

International Master Jeremy Silman presents an essential smorgasbord of new and original and never seen before queen sacrifices 

Staff member pete shares six exciting and effective "blitz" strategies

mrfirstsaturday gives a rivetingly detailed introduction to chess in Budapest

Comments


  • 3 weeks ago

    coolkid2005

    bobby fischer

  • 4 weeks ago

    grumlo

    lol

  • 4 weeks ago

    Akatsuki64

     Among the few survivors was none other than Hikaru Nakamura due to being submerged deep in a basement playing bullet chess.  To save humanity the US Government decided on a desperate gamble based on temporal dilatations that have been known to occur near Nakamura's internet connection as a consequence of his mouse travelling near the speed of light.  To harness this power Nakamura was forced to play a thousand games of 1 0 against Fritz, causing a hyperdimensional translation of our entire solar system several weeks backwards in time and destroying the asteroid before it ever entered our atmosphere.

  • 6 weeks ago

    isaacthebird

    While details are admittedly fuzzy, it should be pointed out that Fischer's favorite country, Iceland, is near the top of the earth and thus closer to space than anywhere else. Laughing

  • 4 months ago

    awesomechess1729

    Emmy Noether was awesome. David Hilbert said something about her when she was denied a position at a university. I think it was under the lines of the university not being "a bathhouse", but Hilbert was trying to promote her while pointing out the sexism of the university alumni.

  • 4 months ago

    camberfoil

    Um...

  • 4 months ago

    NM GargleBlaster

    Btw, Emmy Noether was all kinds of awesome.

  • 4 months ago

    forrie

    maryangdapa "In mathematics, the Lasker–Noether theorem states that every Noetherian ring is a Lasker ring, which means that every ideal can be written as an intersection of finitely many primary ideals (which are related to, but not quite the same as, powers of prime ideals). The theorem was first proven by Emanuel Lasker (1905) for the special case of polynomial rings and convergent power series rings, and was proven in its full generality byEmmy Noether (1921)."


    great! this makes my day, i have always wondered about these rings

  • 4 months ago

    asdmaxx

    Best laugh I've had for awhile! 

  • 4 months ago

    gordonweast

    If you think hemmoroids are bad, wait till you get asteroids

  • 4 months ago

    ChessMN16

    Yeah, John favors the quantum interpretation. No doubt influenced by Lasker's ventures into mathematics and metomerrhoids.

  • 4 months ago

    maryangdapa

    In mathematics, the Lasker–Noether theorem states that every Noetherian ring is a Lasker ring, which means that every ideal can be written as an intersection of finitely many primary ideals (which are related to, but not quite the same as, powers of prime ideals). The theorem was first proven by Emanuel Lasker (1905) for the special case of polynomial rings and convergent power series rings, and was proven in its full generality byEmmy Noether (1921).

  • 4 months ago

    coolkid2005

    nakamura

  • 4 months ago

    NM GargleBlaster

    I'm not sure I'm for real.  I'm probably against it, actually.

  • 4 months ago

    austinqwerty123

    are you for real

  • 4 months ago

    pete

    Haha, very nice. 

  • 4 months ago

    Frankovich73

    The best was Steinitz...

  • 4 months ago

    slicimus

    Did he say meteroids or hemorrhoids?  

  • 4 months ago

    RandomJeff

    "I think I've gotten meteoroids before and it made playing chess really difficult."

    Indeed playing chess would be difficult.   It's best, in this situation, to play standing up :)

  • 4 months ago

    SJFG

    Hehe, quite funny :)

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