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Should your "better half" play chess?

  • GM Gserper
  • | Feb 3, 2013
  • | 30058 views
  • | 127 comments

In my column "Pros and Cons" I discuss the subjects that have no clear answer. Are doubled pawns good or bad, is an isolated pawn an asset or a liability, what's better a Bishop or a Knight?  The answer is the same to all these questions: "It depends!"  

Today I want to express my opinion on a subject which doesn't involve pieces and pawns but is very important for any chess player.  Do you want a soul-mate who is as avid about chess as you?  Of course the answer is still the same: "it depends". Intuitively you want to have a significant other who shares your passion for chess. I remember when I was a teenager, I was absolutely sure that my future wife would play chess (and I mean play well!). But slowly I moved to a totally opposite camp whose motto is "opposites attract", and their favorite joke is "one chess player in a family is already way too much". It was a long transition  but I can say that I am happy with the results as I managed to appreciate the little things in life that you tend to miss while being  obsessed with a tiny world of 64 squares. I learned that your partner doesn't need to be familiar with the Sicilian in order for both of you to enjoy a sunset, and a tasty meal (my wife is an excellent cook) doesn't require knowledge of basic endgames. Let me tell you about the exact moment of my transformation.

The year was 1999 and I was playing the US Championship in Salt Lake City (it is an extremely beautiful place by the way, so if you never been there, you definitely should check it out!). I was playing the semi-final match against GM Alex Yermolinsky and pretty close to winning my game and going to the final. Then time trouble set in, and to my horror I blundered my extra pawn. At the end I had to play accurately not to end up in a worse position. Judge for yourself:



So instead of winning the game and the match I had to play a tie break. As all chess players know too well, after such a horrible miss, a sleepless night was all but guaranteed! And here is where the miracle happened--a beautiful girl came to me and asked why I didn't capture my opponent's piece.  "What piece?", I asked. "This one", she replied and showed the palm of her hand with her fingers spread out. At first I didn't understand what she was talking about, but then it occurred to me that she was talking about the Queen, since this was exactly what the Queen looked like on a demo board.

Queen.jpg

Initially I wanted to explain to her her that I wish I could win my opponent's queen, but it was impossible to do, and then realized that it makes no sense to provide chess variations to a girl who didn't even know how the chess pieces were called. I was speechless. I still vividly remember the way she showed me the queen with her palm.  It was so funny, naive, and cute! No chess playing person would have been able to eliminate my stress in literally 2 seconds! Needless to say I slept that night like a baby thinking about that beautiful queen. The next day I won the match.

If this little story hasn't convinced you yet that a professional chess player needs a non-chess-playing spouse, here is an episode from another US Championship. By that time that beautiful girl was already my wife and knew all the pieces, but was still blissfully unaware of en passant, stalemate, and other mundane details of the royal game. The tournament wasn't going very well for me and my game vs. Ben Finegold was practically the last chance to improve my tournament situation and possibly win a better prize.  Alas, I screwed up again, and the game was a draw. 

Here is what I wrote in a blog :

Today after the game I had to apologize to my opponent (Ben Finegold) for the last 10 or so moves. Even spectators could see that all my efforts to convert an extra pawn were hopeless. Of course I knew that and still kept playing. I wasn't hoping for miracles or that my esteemed opponent would make some stupid mistake (he is much better than that). I kept playing for my wife who was watching the game online. She doesn't know how to play chess, but can count pawns. So I showed her that I couldn't possibly promote my extra pawn. It was my little way of saying "I am sorry honey for leaving you for 12 long days".

We live in a society where divorces are more the norm rather than an exception. Many of my grandmaster colleagues have been married 2-3 times. Is it that difficult to have a happy marriage? Every couple has its own recipes. My favorite is this: every morning you stop the temptation to check the results of that super-duper tournament and you don't turn on the computer to check how your stock portfolio is doing. Instead you listen to your partner over morning coffee. I ain't no Dr.Phil, but some common sense could save many marriages. In my case it helps a great deal that I am married to the best girl in the world.  Tonight she called me again. "I saw you couldn't queen that little guy, but it was an exciting game anyway. You played very well!"

"I know", I agreed, eagerly. After all, it is very good that she doesn't know how to play chess. 

Comments


  • 15 months ago

    pastoryoshi

    Personally I think this article is like a consolation to try to make feel better those of us who have non-chess-playing wives. It hurts when my wife turns her head away from me and says "get that board away from me." If she cooks some nasty food that I don't like, I don't say, "get that slop away from me." .... You are right that it can be a blessing to have a wife that doesn't play, but you should try to prevent the situation of a wife hating chess. If you do fall in love with a girl who hates chess... but you know she is the right one for you... you need to prepare your heart for the possibility that her attitude might never change... and then you must get creative about ways of making sure you don't love chess more than you lover her... make some compromises, like sipping coffee and talking first before turning on the computer... and sacrifices like waiting until the cores are finished. (I am still working on that one)... DEFINATELY DO NOT MAKE MOVES WHEN YOU ARE MAD AT EACHOTHER. (unless you WANT to lose)... And do not use chess as a weapon to express your emotions against eachother, or else she will hate chess more, and never let you go to a tournament ever... Still do not let yourself be bullied, but try to lovingly insist that it is important to you in the same way that her shopping time (or whatever it is) is important to her.

  • 15 months ago

    Andromalius2002

    Great article about some of the parts of life that are more important than chess.

     

    BTW, do visit Salt Lake City, it is beautiful, even this time of year!

  • 15 months ago

    The_Curse

    Awesome article, bravo!

    I feel like your great chess-playing ability coupled with your real life experience and wisdom is very rare nowadays

  • 15 months ago

    LikeTheLake

    Hey Gserper.  What a beautiful article.  Thanks for sharing.

  • 15 months ago

    RookedOnChess

    It's funny---just recently I was inspired to write something with a similar twist :) I thoroughly enjoyed reading this! To me, this is the kind of stuff that makes an interest more fun---not just the chess moves and who's competing against whom, but the "life" that surrounds chess.

    I totally agree about the fact that "it depends." Every situation and relationship is different. In my situation, chess has become one of the things that bonds my boyfriend and I.

    Talking and listening are key in a relationship, and you pointed it out beautifully! You also obviously sincerely appreciate your wife for the wonderful woman she is Smile, rather than thinking the "grass would be greener" with someone else who might play chess. I definitely think spouses need SOME shared interests or are at least genuinely interested in talking about some of each other's interests and sharing them that way, whether it's chess or anything else.

    It sounds like you've got a winning recipe, Gregory, in the most important "game" of your life Laughing

    P.S. At first I was thinking you might've wanted a photo of a couple who actually stayed together, but maybe that was your point! lol

  • 15 months ago

    Ben-Zion

    Lovely post. makes me wonder..

    maybe it's time to raise old questions...

  • 15 months ago

    bluefirex24

    Great Article. I love your style of writing! It gave me a warm feeling inside instead of the typical "chess aches" some chess articles give me.

  • 15 months ago

    Peacetime

    Great great article.

  • 15 months ago

    CanonicalKnight

    Um....I play chess.  My husband plays chess.  We often play against each other, try out new openings, etc. and I love it.  It's something we both enjoy and get to do together.  If I'm frustrated that something isn't going right, he understands and vice versa.

    There's a lot of advice floating around: "Do things together!"  "You have to have separate interests!"; meh.  Whatever works for a particular couple, I think.  The point about listening was good.  This, though, "She doesn't know how to play chess, but she can count pawns", came off as a tad patronizing, though I'm sure (I'd hope) you didn't mean it that way.  It's rather like me saying, "The little man can't understand the complexities of staple length and draw ratios, but can understand the socks I knit out of what I spin."  I'd rather just go with, "He has no interest in spinning, but likes the results."

  • 15 months ago

    DName

    Nice article, wouldn't it be nice to propose to girl with a ring on the queen like showing you remember the first time you met her? Liked this article so much.

  • 15 months ago

    SunburstStrat

    "One chess player in a family is already way too much." Ain't that the truth? Smile 

  • 15 months ago

    shashwatmenon

    This is a very good question and  the writing by GM Serper is interesting. I enter into serious time trouble while playing a chess tournament at home. :) LOL Good luck and all the best.

  • 15 months ago

    Artem_86_UA

    I'm playing some online games with my dear wife, basically my moves here are result of our in-family real discuss of the best ones.

  • 15 months ago

    zebraleg

    excellent

  • 15 months ago

    average1

    wow, nice article. congrats and I wish you all the best!

  • 15 months ago

    Oran_perrett

    that was lovely

  • 15 months ago

    cookie3

    My wife doesnt play chess either!  Instead. she will sit beside me and do her knitting.

    Another great article to drink morning coffee to!

  • 15 months ago

    Gert-Jan

    This article made me smile.

  • 15 months ago

    MSC157

    Well written. Love it so much.

  • 15 months ago

    melvernboy

    Awesome article.

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