Hello chessfans! It's your friendly neighborhood Spiderman. Ok, not really... Odds are I live nowhere near you and I'm not planning on being friendly either. But I am going to save a bunch of people today and boy are there a lot of chess players out there that need it. I won't be examining tactics or endgames. I am tackling the sore losers, the whiners, and the people that really need to get a clue. Lets not waste any more time.

1.) "The Warmonger"

This is probably the most common douchebag on the internet at least. Even to this day it surprises me that someone could be so worked up over losing a board game. We've all seen Kasparov and Fischer on their bad days but these are pros and they actually have something to lose here. Usually a couple millon dollars is at stake. But there are actually a bunch of people that will actualy spout insults at you because you beat them! It's almost as if you stole their sandwhich or something. That I could understand (especially if it's a subway sandwhich ) but I haven't done anything of the sort by winning a chess game. So what does Mr. Online Internet Player have to lose? Well there is that rating that pretty much defines your worth as a human... Yeah I forgot about that one...

So what's the issue? Well some people put everything into a game: their ego, their self-worth, their intelligence and a bunch of other things that have no business over the board. When some people lose, it actually hurts them because they have put the game on a higher pedestal than that of their own happiness. Soon winning is all that matters and this sad lot is usually the type to make excuses when they lose. Oh yes I am going to cover them too.

My advice to these guys: Grab a spine and get over it. If you can't do that, then you should try something more relaxing like sewing or going outside. You just lost one game of chess which you will probably forget in the next two days. There are plenty of games to be played in your lifetime so take the loss, learn from it and you will be ready for the next game. You can only get better! Taking your insecurities out on others is just lame and pathetic. Then again, we are defined by our actions.

2.) "The Theoryphobe"

Well I should first make it clear that avoiding theory isn't a bad thing. I do it all the time. But some phobias tend to be more severe than others and these things tend to be quite apparent with the sore losers in our big chess playing universe. If I had a nickel for every time someone told me that I was winning because I knew the opening well, I'd have lots of nickels - more than I need anyway; These guys are so riled up that they look for any excuse to avoid looking themselves in the mirror. That's pretty profound if I do say so myself.

I once had a guy tell me that I only beat him because of the opening. What did I play? 1.e4 a6. Yes you will hear this lame excuse quite a bit and it's rediculous seeing as the opening advantage is irrelevant to the club player. But after a move like 1...a6 White is the one who should have the advantage!

What does this mean if you meet one of these losers? Well it means that your opponent doesn't know what chess is really about. Odds are your opponent isn't even good enough for the opening to mean anything. You can try and explain that to them but the person is usually too set in their ways. If they won't listen to themselves, then it's unlikely that they'll listen to you.

My advice to these guys: Well you're in denial and you really need to get that sorted out. Unless your rating is even worth mentioning you should quit with that excuse. No Mr.1700 you are not worth mentioning. Sorry! Chess is a game of ideas. If your opponent is booked up then leave the book. GMs do it all the time and if you think that all of your opponents are going to grind you down like Karpov then you need to get a little something called confidence and work on your tactics or something because there is only one Karpov and he has no intention of playing a club game with you. 

If Morozevich can play 1.Nc3 against top class GMs, Carlsen can use the freaking North Sea Defence on Michael freaking Adams, and Bent Larsen could play 1.b3 as a main move against GMs on a regular basis then you don't have the right to make any excuses regarding the opening. PERIOD. Until you end up in a hard to pronounce country during a FIDE rated tournament, I suggest you calm down and find something else to criticize like your game or your geography I guess.

3.) "The Analyser"

The third bunch on our list of people you wish had stayed home today are the analysers. These guys are annoying but in a slightly different way than the theoryphobes. These guys have the godly ability to find out the moves they should've played after they lost the game! I know it's so crazy! I wish I could do that. Because then I'd be rated too high to have to deal with them.

Actually they suck and they like to be very passive-aggressive in the way they handle a loss. They'll give you a post-mortem analysis longer than Kasparov whether you like it or not. Indeed Mr. 1305's stunning analysis will be published in the next NIC so you'd better pay attention! They'll sit there and talk about all the little things they could've done to get "a better position" or even "a winning position." And don't you try to argue with them!  They have already thought of your weak analysis you little patzer you. Indeed he had three ways to refute your weak move - you just didn't know it!  

Yes Mr. Analyser, we can see right through your crap and it's not very amusing at all. Now don't get me wrong - post-mortem is great and it really can make you a better player. But you need to know when you're being helpful and when you're just being annoying. Don't act as if you your godly chess skills would have won you the game had you played the illustrious 34.Na1!! putting your knight on the corner and preparing some rediculous plan that makes absolutely no sense at all.  

What's even more funny about this guy is that he often doesn't even realize what he's doing! He'll be so busy trying to reassure himself and lick his wounds that he has completly forgotten that you won the game! And of course the million dollar question is always "Why didn't you just play that move?" But we all know the dark road that question leads to:

My advice to these guys: "Coulda' woulda' shoulda'" doesn't get the job done. Now go look over your game and learn something.

4.) "Mr. 'Why Won't You Resign?'"

Yes, sometimes the winner can be annoying as well. It is a well known consensus that lost positions should be resigned if only for the fact that you're wasting time or could be playing a new game otherwise. But here's the kicker: As unsportsmanlike as it can be to not resign a lost positon, (Among strong players! Newer players should always play on because there is much to learn and resigning won't teach you anything.) it is even more rude to try and force your opponent to give up. Do not forget that this is a board game (you didn't forget that right?) and that your opponent has the right to play on if they choose to. 

I'm not saying it's a good way to play but it is their right and you cannot take that away from them. We've had quite enough resign threads and you guys need to just get over the fact that some people are not going to quit. Have you been reading this blog at all?

My advice to these guys: Man up! Or erm... girlpower! Your opponents may well play on in dead lost positons. Just be patient and when your turn comes, calmly continue on to victory. If your opponent really is trying to get on your nerves, trying to make them quit would be stooping down to their level. And you know where that leads...

5.) "The Blitz Basher"

Cooling off at number 5 are the blitz bashers. You know - those guys that complain about how bad blitz is even though they keep playing it. Yeah, those guys; If you've played any blitz, then you've run into that guy that says that they lost because they ran out of time. Well McCain lost because he ran out of votes... I'm not really sure that these people know what they're saying most of the time.

These guys are always looking to use some excuse for when they lose and they'll often rant about it long after the game is over whether you care or not. And you know where that leads... What's interesting though is that these guys enter a game based on speed, and complain when they weren't fast enough. That's like going out on a sunny day and complaining about how hot it is. One wonders what you were expecting. Perhaps a snowstorm;

And they don't stop there. They wouldn't be unremarkable if they did! You'll often get a long speech on how long chess is "real chess" and sometimes they'll even boast about being able to beat you in a longer game. Next thing you know, they'll be asking about your rating and whatever else they need to make themselves feel better. It's obvious by now that their self-esteem is reliant on their expertise in a board game and you really should just get away from them. Women pick up on that sort of thing pretty quickly. Just a heads up gentlemen...

Argue about it all you want. You know where that leads (...) and you really do look like an idiot when you do. Long games are great, and blitz games are great. Just because YOU can't handle it doesn't mean that others can't. Once again we note that these people tend to miss this point because they never take the time to reflect on themselves. It is easier for them to shift the blame elsewhere. Of course when they do this they put themselves on the outside of an inside joke but it's their life...

My advice to these guys: The way I see it, you have two options. In theory if you're bad at something, practicing can make you better at it. I know this is a crazy idea and I'm way out of line but I think you can do it. Of course you'll need to get over losing though and that's an issue in itself I suppose... Another option is to stop playing blitz altogether. No one is forcing you to play it and we really don't want your negative views on chess or anything for that matter. Don't like it? Don't play it. Yes I know, I'm a genius.

That's it!

Well there you have it. These are the top five weirdos you'll meet during a chess game and if you happen to be one of them, you should probably get over yourself.