Beginning today, the most mean-spirited, vicious chess match to ever come down the pike gets underway when I set forth to destroy and utterly humiliate my life-long nemesis: the vile and reprehensible entity known here as Aristokatt – he of every unsavory characteristic known to man. In this sure-to-be bloodbath of epic proportions, no insult will be spared, no personal weakness left unexploited. With every move, I intend to rain down on Aristokatt the combined hatred of the universe – an apocalyptic assault of such horrifying consequence that God, nee, CHUCK NORRIS, will be left sobbing.
To you, Ariskokatt, I say this: When your savage devastation is complete, I shall march through the blood-filled streets with your ghastly head on a pike, declaring to all my total destruction of you. Your time on this fair planet grows short, Aristokatt . . . prepare to be eviscerated!!!!
And to you, observers of the gory battle at hand, I offer this warning: Shield your children’s eyes from the frenzy of violent mayhem that is about to occur, so that their futures are not to be ones of tortured memories of a bloodletting straight out of the depths of Hades.
Yes, it’s ON!!!!!!