The Pieces
The king is the most important chess piece.
- King - Does not normally appear on the battlefield, but can occasionally tax people from far away. However, if the game goes on too long, the Kings are essential in the 'duel to the death' stage.
- Queen - Distracts other pieces until they realize that the Queen is a haughty old bitch in drag, upon which they kill her. The death is disguised as an accident, and the game goes on pretending it never happened.
- Pwn - Required to capture opponents' squares, it can also mine black squares, and use the supplies to build rooks. Also is the only piece to be killed in the game, the main purpose of the pwn is to kill as many pwns as possible and steal their land. Any such capture results in a declaration of "Pwn3d! LOL!!1!1!"
- Porn - Similar to the pwn except it is used to sexually excite the opponent's pieces. When a Porn reaches the last rank, it becomes excited itself, engorging itself to become a fully erect Queen.
- T-Rex - The T-Rex is released onto the board after the EMP peasant disables all electronics, including its implied electric fence keeping it off the board. Once the T-Rex is released it begins indiscriminately eating all pieces on the board, starting with the lawyers.
- WMD - This piece does not actually exist, but you can use it as justification for attacking your opponent's kingdom on false pretenses.
- Super Ninja Samurai Kung Fu Blackbelt - Moves in straight lines, always forward because any other direction would be completely dishonorable. Cannot fight the Pwn, the Queen, or the King, but it gets +4 on its attack roll against the Bishop and Knight. It randomly switches sides, and often doesn't but sometimes wont. In the rare case you have a Ultra Ninja Samurai Kung-Fu Blackbelt, you win, because at that point, the opponent dies from, "Holy crap! That's an Ultra Nin-AHHHH!".
- The Shilpa - Used to have multiple white pieces arrested for incitement to racial hatred.
- Marth - The amazingly famous Blue haired lord, so he was the best kind. He is used in chess to totally pwn your enemies into submission with his amazing blue hair. Before Marth, there was Roy, which had red hair. This was only famous in Tokyo and was known to have bombed misrerablly everywhere else. Had a sword.
- Day - Usually named Doris. Used to distract opponent by singing in Spanish.
Police mugshot of the bishop after being arrested for inappropriately touching an altar boy.
- Bishop - Used to cast spells. Its spells include 'Create Pwn', 'Teach Pwn', and 'Inquisition'. Spanish bishops gain 'Stealth' when they use inquisition. Can convert enemy units to your side. Randomly preaches words from the bible at any point in the game. The white bishops have an additional ability to molest young boys, provided that they are Anglican or Catholic. The black Bishop is actually based on the Marvel comics character of the same name.
- Lawyer - Can steal any number of spaces per turn; must be killed no matter what. Often all pieces on both sides spend the middle game hunting down the lawyer. Vital for the rule that has been dubbed 'divorce rule' in which the queen feels that her needs are not being met, and she runs towards the lawyer faster than light, and arrives before she left. Then, faster than you can say, "Holy crap, all my money seems to have supercalafredgalisticexpialadocioqwert!", the King loses (50 + 1d100)% of his assets.
- Opera - The black piece that comes out on the board periodically that triggers the Tom Cruise effect which involves all the white pieces freaking out and jumping on couches.
- Rook - Cannot move, as it is a tower. It can, however, fall upon a pawn, causing an increase in patriotism for five turns. The rook may be built by two or more pawns, and requires 200 minerals.
- Psycho Bitch-Slut from Hell - Can attack any piece at anytime, even if it is not that players turn. It can also open up the Hellmouth and release the underlings of Satan.
- Marx - This piece encourages the pawns to turn against the aristocracy, the religious élite and the bourgeois knights, and to instead ally with the opposing pawns. This seldom works, as the pawns cannot move backwards and have to just hope another piece moves in front of them.
- Pyramid Head - Doesn't belong to any side; just lurks around the board, killing any piece that doesn't get the hell out of his sight in time. When Chuck Norris and Pyramid Head meet face to face, Armageddon occurs and everyone dies. They can not even say, "OMFGWTF??". Cannot be killed or stopped, just pissed off. And when Pyramid Head is pissed off, he switches speed from "walking" to "killing spree".
- Pirate - This piece specializes in burning the rook, raping the queen, and forcing the king to walk the plank. Though extremely popular in its time, it was overpowered and has now been banned in all parts of the world except the Barbary Coast.
- UN Ambassador - This piece can be used as a last resort to stop the war, restoring diplomatic relations between the kingdoms. Usually killed before it makes a move, and then dumped in secret.
- EMP Peasant - In the expansion pack Chess: The Musical a Pwn on the 5th rank can be upgraded to an EMP Peasant, which can be sacrificed to disable all electronic units within a certain radius (including fast-moving opponent's pwns).
- Chess Clock - actually a radio-alarm clock that activates at the end of the game to wake up anyone who fell asleep due to boredom. Not to be confused with Chess Cock, an STD that causes the penis to have a distinctive chessboard pattern of red blotches.
- Gold Chess Piece
- Horsey Thingy- Shoots out laser beams from it's head and melts Pwns, Kings and EMP Peasants.
- Scamster Televangelists - Captures like bishop, but may exert its influence anywhere on the board. Capture by makeing other pieces broke and commit suicide.
- Skeptic - Immune to Scamster Televangelist attack. Pays one million dollars to the opponent when captured.
- Dictator - Usually disguises oneself by wearing military uniforms, so it is difficult to . Kills the UN Ambassador instantly. Changes rooks into nuclear silos. Kills the existing bishops and installs propagandists in their place.
- Chuck Norris - Awarded to only the top 10 GMs in the nation. Kills everything.
- Dick Cheney - Used as a refutation to Chuck Norris. Shoots Chuck Norris in the back.
There is also a category of Chess pieces that are only used in chess puzzles but do not appear in the normal game. Chess historians speculate that this is because of homophobic discrimination against fairy chess pieces.