I enjoy playing chess. That should be fairly obvious, since I have an account on Chess.com. So why am I posting to my blog for the first time, instead of playing some games? I've never blogged before in my life--yes, this is my first blog entry ever--so why do I suddenly feel the need to blather?
I'm in a chess slump right now. Oh, sure, I've won my last eight turn-based games, haven't lost in almost two months, and have compiled a record of 43-0-2. One might think me a perfectionist. But it's not that. Even during my last two games, against nicelife33 and APNambo, I could sense that I was running out of gas. I poured so much thought into almost every move that the games started to feel laborious. I love to move quickly, and I pride myself on a very low average time per move, which has since ballooned to over 4 hours--unheard of, for me, until now. But I also believe in giving my all to play the best move I possibly can. I managed, in both games, to gain slight but meaningful positional advantages, and endeavored to nurse those advantages until I could eventually convert them into wins.
But I soon reached a point where a cloud descended over my head, and I lost the desire to play for a while. It's not that I want to avoid losing, and so I don't play--that would be cowardly, I admit--but I figure, why play if I know that I'm going to play badly? if I know that I'm not going to learn anything?
I haven't divulged much about myself to this community. I wouldn't say I feel obligated to do so, for I actually enjoy the shelter of anonymity provided by the Internet--it helps me feel protected from abuse. I don't want people to know much about me. I have been victimized too often by placing too much trust in people I meet over the Internet. One particular traumatic experience, caused largely by my naïve foolishness in years past, nearly ruined my entire life--could have set it on an irreversible course toward disaster, degeneration, and a woeful failure to achieve anywhere near my full potential.
As a result, I keep to myself. I do love helping and being friendly with the people here. I find it rewarding. But I have a grand total of two friends on this site. This is not a coincidence.
So although I've taken to blogging to talk to anyone who might care to read my various philosophies, I approach it with great caution and distrust. This could potentially be a great outlet for communication of ideas that wouldn't be quite the same when voiced aloud. I am suddenly enthusiastic about posting things that I care deeply about--as well as things that just pop into my head--that I could never say in the forums. If I like what I see, grow more comfortable with how blogging works (which, honestly, is totally new to me), and can gain an iota of trust with the community in general, then I look forward to writing many more entries. If the small amount of trust I am placing here is abused, or if things don't work out as I hope, then this will be my final post. But I look forward to the possible rapport with however many people care to read and comment on these humble, simple entries.
If anyone was looking here for chessic ideas, sorry. Now is not the time for that. First, I must test the waters. I gingerly place my toe at the water's edge. Is it too cold in here? We'll see.