My Date With Kasparov and Anand

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19th June 2009, 02:01pm

by Dr_Doc_MD
Imaginationland United States

Member Since: Mar 2008
Member Points: 1595

The date was June 18th, 2009. It was a hot day, and everybody was wearing a winter jacket except for me. I went to Señor Kasparov's abode and rang his doorbell. The huge, 8-foot tall door opened with a creak and I went inside.

The señor himself invited me for tea (with two teaspoons of sugar and a few grams of cocaine, which I accepted), and we proceeded to his bedroom, where we would play some games with each other.

We played pool, baseball (he agreed to pay for the broken windows), monopoly (with real money; I won), and finally, some chess. Here's our incredible and complex game (I played white):

Well, what I did next must come as no surprise to anybody: I punched Señor Kasparov directly in his nose and heard a loud crack come from it. How's that for red wine, eh, señor? With a bleeding nose and a face that was turning equally red, this jerk proceeded to try to attack me and scream at me with his unusually high-pitched voice. Of course, I took one of his red drapes and threw it around like your everyday matador. After approximately 45 minutes, I got bored and decided to come over to Señor Anand's house. Maybe he would be kinder.

I exited this jerk's house of the back door, and took a 2-minute walk to Anand's very humble abode. Indeed, it was too humble. It was a 5'x5'x5' house. Not the largest place I have ever seen, especially for a relatively famous chess grandmaster. However, he did invite me to open the flaps on the bottom of his box. When I opened them, I saw a magical place. There was a huge dungeon.

Sure, I saw a dead body or ten along the way, covered in blood and feces, but that was a mere psychological distraction that Anand attempted to use on his opponents from time to time. I did not fall for it. However, Anand did offer me his thick, creamy man-juice (edible chess steroids) to enhance my game in his bedroom.

After coming to his bedroom, we proceeded straight to our chess game. It was a long, hard game, indeed. This time I decided to play Black. Here's how it went down:

Well, I did what any normal man would do: I took the chess board and slammed it over Anand's head. I then proceeded to run out his Anand's extremely humble abode, trying to not trip over the dead bodies of the many men who had beaten Anand over the board and had not lived to regret it.

I heard the police coming. Señor Jerk Kasparov had called them on me. I happened to smell like dead bodies. Well, this was no good. I ran and ran as far as I could until I finally got home. Of course, my mom asked where I was, and I described my date with Kasparov and Anand. She was proud that I dealt with Kasparov and Anand like a man. I had evaded the police and had made my parents proud.

Today, the 19th of June, 2009, I am sitting here, still smelling like dead bodies, typing this up. I am doing this because if I get out of my home, the police outside my home will arrest me. So, keep me entertained while I wait for the police to leave. They're so obnoxious, with their megaphones and guns, telling me to come out of my own house with my hands in the air.

Chess.com

My Date With Kasparov and Anand

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