Dear d4!

                How are you my great friend ? I hope you’re fine.  We have to speak about something important.   Unfortunately I won’t be able to see you as much as I did.

                I’ve found some interesting information lately which persuaded me to leave you.  I wasn’t happy about it, however I found the same information in several sources, therefore it must be true. From now on I will have to fight my battles with your twin e4. It is said to be more benefical for the improving players. Don’t get me wrong, I have always loved you. You were always reliable and you produced defenses which were nice to play against like the QGD or the Slav.  I had so much fun with you. On the other hand your twin is such an evil guy, guess what the „e” stands for. He is always looking for trouble, and fighting against any defenses, yet he is not even protected !

                I hope the end of our relationship is just temporary, I don’t want to leave you forever.  I’m planning to get back to you and the positions that we will reach together will be on a higher level.  

Love

guesso

Dear h4--

Please do not loiter about my premises anymore!  I have already begun proceedings to obtain a restraining order against you, inasmuch as you are known to be a weakener of dwellings, as well as a flagrant time waster.  Any further correspondence should be sent to my legal representative at his address.

Sincerely,

Andy

Dear c4--

I much appreciate the good times we have had and the pleasures of your elegant company.  In particular, I have learned a great deal from the way that you have managed to fit in to your advantage amongst the more common situations.

Now however I am afraid that the charms of your accent have faded a bit, and I find myself increasingly wondering what it is precisely that you are talking about a good deal of the time.  Also I have noticed a faint though insistent odor of fish & chips about you, which never seems to fade (my wife has been complaining about it too, and how it clings to the draperies and so forth).  All of which, I am afraid, makes it necessary for us to part company.

Regretfully yours,

Andy

Dear f3--

Really, sir, I cannot conceive of such effrontery as you are wont to display.  You seem to be of the opinion that half a fool is better than none at all!

Scornfully,

Andy

Not to mention those terrible teeth.

Andy, I feel you are making a mistake restraining h4. I know that I don't know you well, but I hope you will consider my advice anyway. I too had a small bout with h4 in my youth, and I can say with confidence that the best way to get away from that vile move is to just get on with your development as a player. h4 may show up from time to time, but as you grow apart it will be less and less often. Restraining h4 may seem necessary now, but later I fear you may regret how this decision weakens your own king-side.

Sincerely,

pellik

The funniest topic ever. LOL

Dear g4,

Please cease and desist your clear and flagrant imitation of my brand.  Simply dropping the trailing "e" does not constitute enough of a difference to avoid confusion, nor is it by any means "fair use".  It is my opinion that your fundamental unsoundness, especially when exhibited in my name, does irreparable damage to my reputation.

I am hopeful that we can resolve this matter without having to resort to other, less pleasant avenues.

Regards,

TheGrobe

fish and chips, yum

@ guesso, +1

Nice!   Something out of the box after many days! Thank you!

Let me also try --- 

Dear Nh3, what are you doing in that corner? 

Dearly Beloved: I come to you today to bemoan the untimely demise of my once favorite opening the Alkeline Defence. That damn knight hopped all over the board to find a nice passive square at (b6) ! Sure Mr. Alkeline why don't we let white push ALL those center pawns in the middle uncontested and  oh so sorry, i just can't go on because i am feeling just too CRAMPED.

                                                          lol   

+1

Yeah, I like that line too -- I may steal it.

No, somehow that scoresheet got misplaced or something...

Andy, The grobe and snakewit , +1 for all of you ! Nice.

Bongcloud! That reminds me of somebody saying on this forum a few months back  - "It helps to take your King to the other side ya know" 

+1

I also play the Alekhine Defence and right about that knight on b6! And also the c8 Bishop keeps wondering whether to go to g4, f5 or d7!!

I'm glad to see not I'm the only one who built up relationships with the opening moves

I once wrote a love letter to 1. b3, and 1. Nf3 got ahold of it. What a mess that was. The twist is, those two got together in a Scandinavian-inspired tryst and I never saw either of them again.