•  There would be a new version of the rules every seven years. The idea that the rules could stay the same for thousands of years would be, frankly, laughable
• In the latest rules for chess, Pawns would be renamed Hellspawn Warblades. Similarly, the other pieces would be called Warknights, Warkings, Warqueens, etc
• There would be no rules for Castles. They existed in previous editions of the rules, but have been strangely absent in recent versions
• To be able to play chess, you need (at least) the three core Chess rulebooks - the White Player’s Handbook, the Black Player’s Handbook and the Boardmaster’s Guide. These are each 300+ pages, and cost at least $100 in total. In the latest edition, many pages have a single column of text beside a huge image covering the rest of a double spread. This is called good desgin, not spurious padding....
• The number of chess pieces varies with each edition. Earliest versions of chess was intentionally vague as to the number of pieces per player; later editions set the number at four, then five. The idea of each player being able to handle 16 pieces at a time is viewed as impossible, and is not supported nor endorsed by the rules
• Wizards would release supplements titled 'The Complete Bishop', 'The Complete Queen', etc. Amazingly, people would buy these"

..tournament halls would smell worse than they already do.

Let's not get down on Wizards of the Coast.  D&D was about to die before those fellows sparked some life back into it by revamping the system when they bought the rights.  Then there's Magic: The Gathering.  I often hear casual tournament players complaining about the constant rotating card-base for Type II, the most popular format.  Let me break it down for you:

1. No rotation means no need for new cards.

2. No need for new cards means no income for Wizards.

3. No income means no product.

4. No product means nothing to promote.

5. Nothing to promote means no tournaments.

 

Wizards is one of the few companies who cares about their games and the gaming community(I saw that you mentioned Games Workshop-- they can go to Hell).  If ever there is a problem, it's usually due to Hasboro, the parent company to Wizards.  Hasboro is your typical 'where's my money' business who doesn't care a bit about the quality or support of the games they create.  I'm rambling.  Sorry. 

I wouldn't take this post too seriously.  I find it to be less a rant against Wizards and more a critique of the gaming industry in general.  As I said, this could just as easily apply to GW or a dozen other companies.