"Maybe we can put our idea in the box," suggested Tom.
"I'll have the chicken," Tom clucked.
"This poor guitar," Tom fretted.
"I'll tell the cops," squealed Tom.
"Band is playing," piped Tom.
"I dinna like Milky Way," snickered Tom.
"We'll change the wheel," spoke Tom.
"Holy Mackerel," floundered Tom.
"This wind's fierce," Tom blustered.
"These pretzels are making me thirsty," said a salty Tom.
(For anyone curious about this kind of joke, here some info. "Looking this up is so amusing!" said Tom, laughing and googling.)
The name comes from the Tom Swift series of books (1910–present), similar in many ways to the better-known Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew series, and, like them, produced by the Stratemeyer Syndicate. In this series, the young scientist hero underwent adventures involving rocket ships, ray-guns and other things he had invented.
A stylistic idiosyncrasy of at least some books in this series was that the author, "Victor Appleton," went to great trouble to avoid repetition of the unadorned word "said"; elegant variation used a different quotative verb, or modifying adverbial words or phrases. Since many adverbs end in "ly" this kind of pun was originally called a Tom Swiftly, the archetypal example being "We must hurry," said Tom Swiftly. At some point, this kind of humor was called a Tom Swifty, and that name is now more prevalent though incorrect.
"These pretzels are making me thirsty," said a salty Tom.
This one is from Seinfeld.
"This is my impression of a schnauser eating pretzels and drinking a cocktail," said Tom like a salty dog.
"I think I will let you go first." said Tom hesitatingly.
"Good one brother," related Tom.
"Nice pussycat," Tom purred.
"You're late for church," Tom chimed.
"Go Lions," roared Tom.
"Watch the dog," Tom barked.
"No guns," shot Tom.
"Kewl music," noted Tom.
There was this married couple who was having trouble arranging time for sex because of their kids.
So they decided to use a code to let each other know when they wanted to have sex. When one of them wanted to have sex, they would say "I want to wash the clothes.".
One evening the husband says to the wife "Honey, I want to wash the clothes.".
The wife replied, "Can't right now, can we wait till later?"
Later that evening the wife goes up to the husband and says "Hey, I'm ready to wash the clothes."
The husband looks at her and says, "That's OK. I washed the clothes myself.".
What does a cat like to eat with birthday cake?
Mice cream!
A husband and wife are shopping at the local drugstore. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back we can't afford them" demands the wife.
They carry on shopping and a few aisles later the woman puts a $20 jar of face cream in the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" says the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful and sexy for you when we make love." replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "so does 24 cans of beer, at half the price."
I cannot believe it!!! I just told this joke to a friend and he said "only $10 for 24 cans? Where?"
Inflation is on the rise any joke with money shoud be updated with actual currency value. Cost of 24 beers in Montreal in 1972 was $12 today it is about $30, some people are this particular that they want an update on eveything personally I enjoyed the joke as it was submitted as it is not aboout today's value of the beer but the content of the joke.
suppose...
a = 1, b = 1
That means...
a = b ...x a
a2 = ab ...- b2
a2 - b2 = ab - b2
(a + b) (a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
Means...
1 + 1 = 1
!!!!!
Not sure where you learned your math as dividing by (a-b) or (1-1) is zero and dividing by zero is undetermined as what number equals (a+b) or (1+1) when multiplied by zero.
Actually one should look at what happens when the denominator approaches zero and the answer is then simple.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
MELBOURNE TRAFIC CONTROL
Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.
Allah be Praised."
Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L.
Allah is Great."
Pause....
Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"
Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."
Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY
GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. .. ...
INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah the infidel said "Hi"
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident that killed people.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No's 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.
Never Argue With A Woman
One morning, a husband returns the family boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”).
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”
“Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the Game Warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left
A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.
"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embarrassing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!"
"Yes, it would appear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome."
"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.
"It's not unusual," replied the doctor.
Yes you do have to know the song.
So funny, mother. Cheered me up a lot.