I was contacted earlier this week to play Bobby Fischer, but of course I would have to fly to Iceland, and I'm far too busy losing games here on chess.com to be bothered with such trivialities. However, most of my conditions were acceptable to the Fischer Camp. I'll share with my chess.com friends a few of my stipulations had this match continued.

 

1. Bobby would definitely have to shave. I mean, have you seen the latest photos?
2. We would have to meet here in  Louisiana. I can't go that long without good coffee and hot sauce.
3. Transportation, were we to play in Iceland, would have to be arranged for my coffee and hot sauce. (See, I think of everything.)
4. The game must be played on a certified Simpsons(R) chess set.
5. I must receive 30% of the gate, 30% of the television rights, and 1 box of chocolate covered cashews.
6. Bobby cannot speak Spanish during the matches...unless ordering Taco Bell for us.
7. There can be no talk of conspiracies or political mumbo-jumbo at any time.
8. Bobby must be seated facing into direct sunlight.
9. Bobby must play left-handed - an obvious advantage for me.
10. If Bobby is left-handed, he must tie it behind his back and play right-handed.
11. I can play with either hand, or interchange my hands, at my leisure.
12. Bobby cannot wear an earpiece to cheat and try to beat my illegally.
13. Bobby cannot ask me for help either during a match or while adjourned.
14. Keep Bobby's smoked herring lunch away from me.
15. Please bathe.
16. Once again, please bathe.
17. Bobby must not bring up how Garry Kasparov deserves to be in a Russian prison. I like Garry. He's a good student of mine.
18. No, I will not sign a book for Mr. Fischer. Geeeeeesh.
19. Bobby must play "Heart and Soul" with me on the piano at some point.
20. Chess.com must simulcast the match in its 5 minute entirity. (Erik, we'll talk later.)
21. Condition #21 will be a secret, and will be disclosed at some later date.
22. No one in the audience, or watching on-line, or listening by radio, will be allowed to wear any sort of head covering. (Such as hats.)
23. No NFL team jerseys will be allowed in the city at the time of the match.
24. The board must be set up as follows...
25. Bobby cannot whine about the board setup.
26. White to move.

Bobby was willing to accept most of my terms. Except for the bathing and shaving. Go figure.

Very nice Stacy, gave me a good morning laugh at this side of the Atlantic :)

Ha ha. Very clever.

StacyBearden wrote:Bobby cannot speak Spanish during the matches...unless ordering Taco Bell for us.

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 Hahahahahhaha!! Latino Taco Bell!! It's a racial conspiration, lol!!

What about #15 ? I dont think Bobby was ever one not to take a bath.

That's the reason for #16. The "Don't Make Bobby Bathe" league really put up a "stink" about that one. (Sorry for the pun.) But I think in the "end" he'll come up "clean", or everything is going to be a "wash." At least if he plays black we won't see the dirt smudges on his pieces, and you all know very well how I hate dirty chess pieces. It throws me off my game. Could Bobby take a bath with his chess pieces then play? Darn it! I should have made that #15b.

He's like father Christmas gone terribly, terribly wrong.

 

     27. Bobby must comb his hair...and beard.
 

I prefer to make fun of einstein instead , he never combed his hair either and was a wife beater. None of Fischer's opponents have ever complained of him not bathing , I think if he stunk at the board a few would have complained. Such lies shouldnt be spread about anyone, let alone a living legend.

I agree with reb.

See, this is what we call "humor." Everyone knows Bobby was a clean individual. Very concerned with appearance and hygiene. His fingernails were trimmed to perfection, in fact. No one is taking this post seriously, and if they are, they obviously should not.

 

     28. Bobby must teach me how to trim fingernails as well as he does. 

What is a 'Taco Bell'.  Quite honestly, my mother thought that Edison Bell was Alexander Graham Bell's brother.  Maybe Taco Bell is their sister.

Taco Bell is an American fast food restaurant that serves food with the same name as Mexican food (tacos, burritos, chalupas, nachos, etc.).

And this is why I love chess.com forum posts.

Loomis wrote: Taco Bell is an American fast food restaurant that serves food with the same name as Mexican food (tacos, burritos, chalupas, nachos, etc.).

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 And in order to order at taco bell, you must speack spanish.

...and they will still muck up your order!

mmmm, cerveza

Hilarious. I laughed through the whole post, thanks.

that was all very funny but, i really liked the one about him having to bathe!! And i completely agree with it!!HEE HEE!

Thank you, your compliments are appreciated, nay, covetted.

funny thank you.