You always win first place in a tournament with everyone else being a GM.

You reach a position where you whisper to yourself, "Mate in 19."

You are ALWAYS thinking ahead of time in chess and real life.

Tactics is just like relaxing at the beach, because you are so experienced.

You look up at your opponent confidently and say your rating is a 2324 FIDE Elo.

You see a GM in a tournament that was beaten up by you.

You are tied with Magnus Carlsen in a tournament.

 

GET SOME MORE!!!

You draw the world champion.

True.

Your portfolio includes wins over Fischer, Kasparov, Anand, Kramnik, Carlsen and Houdini

You don't play anymore...where's the challenge?

the only thing you find stressful when playing a simul of SM,s is having to walk around.

Your name is Capablanca. And you are still annoyed that people don't think you played perfectly in some of your games.

You know the potential is there when one has an even record against every chess champion from Philidor to Anand.  Right here, sister. 

Cainite wrote: You've drawn a game against Petrosian >:) You've played Petrosian and you didn't spontaneously combust.

You raise every great dead chess player from the dead, beat them all, and kill them again.

You like waffles.

You can win a chess game against Chuck Norris.

When your rating exceeds 3000

When the major chess engine producers have you edit the move choices by their computer's programs and you still find mistakes.Then you get angry and have your own version of a chess engine, in which there is no line pruning and it still makes the best move choices, faster than any previous program.

God asks if He could pleeeeeeeease take lessons from you.

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During the USSR championship!

You can win an endgame K+B against K.

Your end game studies start with the second or third move

Some comments are implying that you are a BAD chess player; in that case, go to N2UHC.

You are always thinking about chess even in checkers and you move your piece to capture another piece illegally.

"Oh no!" you say when one person captures a king checker in checkers. "I lose because my king's gone!" even though you have other pieces on the board. 

Your oponent play 1. e4, you deeply conteplate, and then resign, becouse you find that the position is lost for a black.