When your oppenent loses a game and they say, good game.

You have never won a tournament...

Because the moment that the other players hear you've entered, they immediately abandon it for fear of losing rating points. 

Your losses are never caused by your opponents being better, just by their being worse at saving preparation.

Once, it was discovered by seven simultaneous super-GM chess engines with supercomputer databases that there just may be a semi-forced dubious line for your opponent that would allow him to place mild pressure on a useless pawn 60 moves ahead, but only in exchange for you getting compensation. 

It is the worst blunder of your life. 

You can predict mate on move 1.

You regard classical chess as "solved" and move on to Fischerrandom.

you find the winning move when all engines in the world give crushing advantage to your opponent

You sign up to a tournament almost 300 points below the rating barrier and 10 days later it pushes you up to the higher category

You never lose, for as Supermen you can play faster then light and trevel back in time and play two moves simultaneously.

you managed to draw a fide master in your first tournament before getting a rating (I did and it was the best game of my life)

When you can toot your own horn and no one thinks you are bragging...

A straight answer.  Good one too.

It all depends on what you mean by "good", what you mean by "chess"

and what you mean by "player".

Could we get a close up that has veins sticking out in the forehead and with a little more redness on the scalp?

@Scottrf

That is freakin cool...thanx...

... and he lets you live.

You find a million mistakes in Fritz and Houdini's analysis of just two games. Boy, that is not hyperbole.

You checkmate someone in 1 move