You wrote a book: "How to be a Bad Chess Player".

Nobody bought it. Nobody.

And, you can't figure out why.

Geez this forum really got popular while i was gone.

Signs you're a bad chess player: When you play with red pieces for black and you think that nobody can beat you when they play as them. (No, this doesn't sound like me at all!)

After four martini's  you feel that you are no longer a "bad" chess player. You take on all challengers, including the bartender. But, the man is a coward; he refuses to play you. So, you climb up on the bar and you shout to the room: "Chess! Who's next?"

Cowards. All of them. Not a one of the dirty rats in the joint have any cajones. Meanwhile, you overhear the bartender calling for a taxi. When the cabby arrives, you challenge him as well. Turns out...just another coward.

Oh, boy...somebody is spamming: http://www.chess.com/forum/view/community/debate-what-to-call-online-chess?lc=1#last_comment

You wake up at dawn, in a back alley, dishevelled, your wallet missing, the back of your head sore and swollen from where you got slugged from behind.

All because you went to this spammer's web reference...all because you are a bad chess player but you have hopes and dreams. All because you got a smash in the head instead of the secrets of the grandmasters.

You could be a redneck...no wait...wrong forum...you could be a bad chess player if a bug-zapper is part of your home entertainment system.  How about this one:  you could be a bad chess player if you have two TV's stacked where one has a picture but no volume and the other has a volume with no picture?

Just because you get a buzz at playing 40 games of bullet during your lunch hour, and you only have a 600 rating, doesn't mean that you are a bad chess player.

You are having fun. That's all that matters.

you worship thebackyardprofessor

Vlad is your instructor.

Of course, you guys are referring to Andy's best pal, VladBGhita.

I'd have to disagree. I think he'd be a good chess coach.

You want a bad chess coach? Well, here:

This is what you bad chess players out there would call zugswang. If both of you stay still, then nobody has a problem. If you move, you'll fall flat on your face. If the woman moves, it will be as painful as this:

Either way, stick a fork in yourself, or a ruler in this case, cause you're done.

Ah hmmm...excuse me, before you say "you bad chess players out there"...you need to explain why your tactical trainer score is 1054.

And, why you are showing a one-move fork like it is a big deal.

If black moves, black wins though.

You are losing the game and when you look up, you notice that your opponent is reading a book. (Happened to me)

your opponent is not allowed to read a book during a chess tournament. how can you tell that he hasn't his chess notes in one of his pages. if it is a chess book he might even have the position in the book that is in the game with best move suggestion and explanation.

hi all arn't we supposed to look at the opponent and the chess board you know like poker or any other games because i do that :)

I don't care that everyone says you are a bad chess player. I know that your heart is in the right place.

you are a funny guy, e4Nf3 :)

Yeah...but staring would be rude. Just an occasional "evil eye", but don't be blatant about it.

damn! How did you perfectly know me. Hehehe then i'm a badest player.