When you play 10 games of checkers before each game you play.

When you're the best in your class at math, but you can't calculate in chess. :D

You think that because you have the brilliance of a 2800 player you

can get away with playing like a 500 player.

Perhaps these aren't as connected as you seem to think. 

Your opening repertoire is the Grob, Guatemala defence and the woozle. You also think that1.f3 is a move of profound genius and wonder why nobody else is as smart as you are since only you play it.

Aww.. nobody likes puns these days. Well, I have a 2-day tourney coming up tomorrow. Wish me luck!

-- You think Caro-Kann is a Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor.

Hey, do you have any idea who you're talking to?!

That was a pun?

For a math guy it was pretty good (cut him some slack). 

Opponent says "j'adoube".

You think it's Polish for checkmate...so you lay down your king.

you play the same opening as black and white

Uh-oh. I must be a bad player

I dearly love to tell this one to my wife (who's Polish)--she loves Polish jokes, however I just don't have the energy to explain "j'adoube" to her!

What's it Polish for, anyway?

Hang on, never mind... good 'ol Google Translate.

It said it's French for "I Knights". 

???

Really just means "adjust" in French:

http://rules.chessdom.com/jadoube-rule

I dearly love to tell this one to my wife (who's Polish)--she loves Polish jokes, however I just don't have the energy to explain "j'adoube" to her!

I grew up in a Polish neighborhood. Oddly, all the jokes were about Italians.

What?! Huh, I really need to catch my brain up on this. Haven't had anything to do with chess for a while...