Tell us a funny lie about chess and/or chess players!

I begin:

          I can beat Kasparov after opening   a game against him with a4 and h4

The previous post (presumably by a chess player) was the most hilarious thing I have read!

What do you think of this one? (Come on guys, I don't wanna flood this topic alone lol)

I can play Kasparov, Karpov, Anand and Carlsen blindfolded and make them resign in 10 moves

Oh really?

my funniest lie:

yosriv is funny

I don't lie.

Play against them at the same time ?? :))

Oh yeah

(To some other guys: If this topic isn't worthy of being read by your majesties, don't read it )

I can easily and with no hesitation beat Magnus Carlsen....at a pie eating contest!

Yosriv ... you can beat all of champions right ?
I believe you but I can beat you hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Then Iam better than all of champions :)

I was beating mein dog 3 of 5 times yet a passerby thought he was good!!!!

How do you fare againts your human?

I have won against Kasparov twice in a row, hahahaahahahahaha lolol

In the chess, I cannot eat fish by feeling like a cannibal!!!

I have beaten every single person in the world in a simul. And I own a lifetime supply of waffles.

I sac'ed my king against Karpov but I won the game

I did not waste precious time on chess.com.

I BEATED GARY KASPEROV WITH TO MOVE CHECKMATE!!! TEEHEE!!!

this thread is great.  i'm really gonna think hard on how i can improve it.