1. They will set up the board like this: 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. They will point out they haven't played in "forever".

3. After the colors are chosen they ask you, "Do you want to move first?"

4. They start by moving their rook pawns.

5.When you castle they ask, "Can the king jump over men to?"

6. You use en passant just to tick them off.

7. By the 20th move at least a billion people are watching you asking stupid questions you have answered several times before.

8. At least half of them have called to play winner.

9. They will still think forever every move even when the only have their king.

10. When you checkmate them they try moving their king in all eight directions.

And of course after several games with random people you feel like Kasparov and Einstein combined.

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PS: they will set up the bd with a dark sq in the right-hand corner, although you probably weren't able to do so in your diagram

HELPFUL HINT: Stop playing people like this if they annoy you so much

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Yeah, that's what I thought was missing from the list too. :)

AT some point in the game they will make a knight move that will BLOW your mind. Then they go, so sorry didn't know my "horsey" couldn't hop that FAR !!    

They will position all of their pawns on the third rank and say it looks "badass!"

"Can I move this there?"

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I kinda think the Kasparov/Einstein comment indicates he didn't mind all that much. :)

My mother earlier today: "All I remember is the one that goes two spaces up and one over -- the rook."  Think I should play her?

"Do you fancy a game of draughts (checkers) next?"

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Damn checkers...

They will castle to get out of check

They will set up the Queen on an opposite color (juxtapose with King)

They will insist that it's a rule that you say "check" when you attack their king. Otherwise, how are they going to know that they are in check? (And they will insist on taking money from the center of the Monopoly board, where it should have never been put in the first place, when they land on free parking. Yet another page from the unwritten rule book.)

They don't understand the off side rule

They will insist that black makes the first move.

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And if you don't announce check, they will miss it every time and make an illegal move. You eventually start announcing every check so you don't have to correct their illegal move each time.

"The king goes on their own color!" 

Very good list

.. and they pick up a piece, put it on a random square, then realize they blunder it, so they just pick it up and put it back and blame you for being a bad player if you even think about correcting them. 

 

But yeah, the Kasparov-comment is really true. I have a real hard time losing sometimes, because I played so much games against players who didn't know what they were doing 

they will touch 5 different pieces, hoover them over the board, putting one back on a different square than it came from, and then make a move.