The Cleese-Palin system against the Dead Parrot attack of the Flying Circus defence.

 I will easily defeat that with my attack with a bannana

I generally open 1.d4, and goes for wathever mainline that arise. As black I mostly play sicilians (scheveningen or the sveshnikov), but sometimes I play the Caro. Against 1.d4 I mainly play the slav or the dutch.

Not if he switches to the "Calvin Ball" variation!!!

Due to propriety, I reserve my discussions of chess openings to the chess openings forum.  Good manners are essential to a successful forum after all.