I been banned from enough tournaments now to know that the intentional drugging of opponents to gain an advantage is frowned upon in chess circles.

However it got me to thinking are you allowed to actually take performance enhancing drugs to improve your own game?

Are there random drug tests for the top players?  I can't ever remember reading about Kasparov having to go away after a victory to micturite into a bottle.  I've checked on Ebay and I can't buy it so it can't ever have happened.

As a former amateur veterinarian (I used to euthanase pets for a hobby, but THEY closed me down.  Apparently in the UK you need a licence.

And the owner’s permission) I have access to and take a keen interest in performance enhancing pharmaceuticals.  Like all great scientists I have been using myself as a guinea pig and have played my first 100 games on Chess.com under the influence of a variety of drugs in a carefully controlled scientific experiment.

As a control I played my first 10 games “clean”.  I lost 8 and won 2.

The next 10 I used alcohol (A 30 year old Glenfiddich).  I lost 6 and won 4.

And so I went on with:

Temazepam (W1:L9) – can’t really remember these games.

Dexedrine (W7:L3)

Mescaline (W6:L4)

MDMA (W5:L5)

Rohypnol (W2:L8) – won 2 on time

Drontal Plus (W3:L7)

Teramycin (W4:L6)

Vaginon (W1:L9) – these tasted truly awful and really took some swallowing.

So even from this short study it appears that Dexedrine is the one to go for.  I wonder if Kasparov used to take this?  Unfortunately under all doping regimens I was unable to counter the Sicilian.

Does anyone know what I should take to beat this diabolical opening?

 put a horses head in his bed and see what happens

I lol'd.

Well, well, well. . .

There is an old Spanish saying that goes, more or less, like this. "Your learning never ends even if being older than the Devil". . .

And Cervantes, in "Don Quijote", jewel of the Spanish literature, puts this phrase in Quixote´s lips: "You will see things. . .amigo Sancho" --- refering to facts of life.

I knew of students taking Dexedrine to keep awake when studying hard for incoming exams.

That might be called a "cultural" doping. OK. No trap involved in the issue, contrary to sport players (football, baseball, etc.) who dope themselves to play better and so improve their records, aiming towards a better economical status.

¡Ethics to hell. . .! After all, NOT ALL profesional sport players belong to a higher than medium cultural level.

But, chess players doping? I can hardly think of that. . .chess players supposely have a rather high cultural level. . .

. . . but. . . "You will see things amigo Sancho. . .

No. Can`t be. It would have been known long before. . .

One thing is improper composture, like they say that some CM blew cigar smoke to the opponent, or made jokes about him during a game, or made annoying noises to bother the other, etc.. . . but doping. . .ah ah ah

I lol'd hard

Seriously? Dexedrine?

"Need the owner's permission," f-ing funny!

A combination of Red Bull and Viagra?

As with baseball, you will have to testify to Congress ten years after it is relevant anymore, but otherwise you can get away with it.

Drugs are not the answer

Drugs are the question, and YES is the answer

They're in the wallet that's not mine (though it has my ID and credit card) in the pants that aren't mine (although I'm wearing them.)

^ This country isn't really mine either. I swear, herr polisier

haha, i d like playing you on mdma, i can t believe this moreless good score you got on it!!

cheers

What else could be the answer? I cannot think of a single thing. 

Drugs are the question, and YES is the answer.  LoL....

There is no answer to the Sicilian,it is the opening choice of lord Lucifer himself. Ether could be a way to numb the pain of dealing with it ... or 1. d4

What I want to know is how you improved your game by drinking! :D

the Sicilian is a ganja smoker's opening.  have you tried that?

He wasn't "drinking", he was enjoying fine whiskey, which is well known to improve your game in chess, snooker and clay pigeon shooting.

My bullet rating has gone up by about 300elo after I picked up a habit of smoking ganja daily.

I don't know about the lesser forms of chess for I only care about bullet but it might work at inferior time controls as well.