Here at Wyneb Llyfr or the Macynllyth Institute for the Criminally Insane we take an enlightened, hypermodern approach to our inmates and their treatment.  For a start, unlike the English "dark-age" asylums, attendance here is not strictly compulsory.  Rather our patients are imprisoned only by their criminal lack of imagination to do anything useful or interesting out in the real world.  Our most persistent visitors are almost entirely bereft of the capacity for original thought or for living individually fulfilling lives without this “virtual” community that we are able to provide for them in the absence of family or friends.

We are leaders in the field of cognitive therapy and this is where my Antique Staunton Behemoth Ivory pieces come in to play (as Staunton himself wryly and famously observed “We had to kill eight elephants but golly-gosh Jeeves  for this set I would have happily immolated a gross more with my bare hands”).

For the residents’ amusement I put on epic murder mystery plays where the dramatis personae are my chess pieces themselves.  In my latest 4 hour opus it was the usual: Knight accidently kills pawn Princess;  Knight tries to frame Bishop;  that doesn’t work so Knight tries to frame Rook; Rook is tried at the King’s court; Rook is found guilty.  And in the final dramatic denouement you could have heard a pin drop as the Rook was beheaded with a hack-saw.  Those still awake were literally dribbling  at the palpable tension. 

My patients will then debate and discuss the events of my plays for hours, days, weeks, months sometimes even years afterwards almost like as if they were real.  You have to love the mentally ill.

Now I’m no doctor (I had to make up my qualifications to get the job – it was that or Shepherd and I have a sheep intolerance) but I am convinced that these chess-based playlets  bring some smidgeon of satisfaction to the hollow, sad, empty lives of my inmates and for that I can only garner a deep satisfaction at a job well done.

Chess brethren what similar good works have you used your chess pieces for?

Certainly the society at large appreciates your novel approach to using the chess pieces. Among the less imaginative, chess pieces are used as paper weights, Christmas tree decorations, projectiles, or ear plugs.

I commend you on your innovative therapeutic treatment using chess pieces at Wyneb Llyfr. However, I think it most important to extend your good works, if you have not already done so, by offering these unfortunate creatures a taste of the real world. Trips out, for example, or the occasional evening of dancing, perhaps. I hope, at least, you have encouraged these poor souls to celebrate Christmas every year at local venues, away from the confines of their virtual world. Or perhaps you have become too institutionalized yourself. There lies a danger in playing too much chess, especially when it is for the benefit of the insane.