How come I'm rubbish at chess?
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it - it was a shihtzu.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.
Two fish in a tank. One says: "How do you drive this thing?"
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
