Put all the jokes you know here:
knock knock:
Who's there?
(person runs)
Who' there?
lol
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
I'll bet only two people get this.
I understand a binary clock but not you.
You mean 2 people as 2 in the binary system, base 2, is written 10.
A passed pawn comes home from work one day driving a fancy new car. His wife is astonished and says "Honey, I don't think we can afford this nice new car on your salary." The passed pawn says "Relax, I'm about to get promoted!"
now I undestand but the two people who undestnad, are they one of us or them.
yes
Part 1:
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs
on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never,
ever, had an accident!
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
Part 2:
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.
funny
Part 3 the last one:
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one saved for last......
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something
with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
great ones. Where did you get them?
I have literally hundreds of jokes saved in Words and Excel, I have accumilated them over the last 5 years. As well we 6 of us, retired people have formed a group and exchange: jokes, beautiful pictures, pps etc.
If, when we can post pps, I have such beautiful sceneries to show, as we say: some day!
And just to give everyone one site for jokes:
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/newest/
Enjoy it.
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find
one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, said the visitor
' normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No' said the Director, a normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?
A salesman is driving toward home in northern Ontario when he sees an Indian thumbing
for a ride on the side of the road.
As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in.
After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in bag?",
the Indian asks the driver.
The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."
The husband had just finished reading the book the “MAN OF THE HOUSE"
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he
said: "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is the law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence:
he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
Cold floors, he says.
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."
Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising," the elders say.
"You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
John o' Reilly is down at the local pub with his matesthey've had a bit to drink and one of the guys suggests a toasting competitionhandful of toasts are proposed but nothing to write home aboutJohn gets up, lifts his glass and says... "here's to spending lots of time between my wife's legs"being a tad inebriated the mates are impressed and declare John the winnerhe gets home with his prize, a case of beerhis wife moans at him for spending too much money on a whole case"not to worry", says John, "I won it with my brilliant toast I made""so, what was your brilliant toast ?" she asksJohn now feeling foolish, told her he toasted to sitting next to her in church
next day, she goes with John to the puball his mates are there and hit him on the back and congratulate him againwife says..."Well to tell you the truth, he's only been there twice this year"
"first time he fell asleep...", "and the second time I had to pull him by the ear to make him come."
all are funny
After digging to a depth of 200 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire
dating back 400 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already
had a telephone network.
In England, not to be outdone, headlines read: "Scientists dug 500 meters and have found traces
of 1,000 year old optical fibers. They say our ancestors already had an advanced digital network
- 600 years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: "After searching as deep as
1,000 meters, researchers have found absolutely nothing.
They now believe their ancestors were using wireless technology."
He's 80, she's 20.*
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.
After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How
do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again.
The same nurse said: "You're amazing! How do you do it?"
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse then said: "Well, well, well!!! You certainly are quite a man!"
He responded again, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."*
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida
or the moon?
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?
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