15461 Players currently online!
Man vs. Machine - good luck!
Turn-based games at any time!
Vote for the best move to win!
Do you have what it takes?
Backgammon, Yatzy, and more!
Sharpen your tactical vision!
Get advice and game insights!
Learn from top players & pros!
View millions of master games!
Your virtual chess coach!
Perfect your opening moves!
Test your skills vs. computer!
Find the right private coach!
Can you solve it each day?
Bring it all together!
Beginners, start here!
Make friends & play team games!
News from the world of chess!
Search all Chess.com members!
Find local clubs & events!
Who's the best of your friends?
Read what members are saying!
"I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
"My wife has gone to the West Indies"
"No, she went of her own accord!"
A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”
A guy is packing up after a successful fishing trip when the park ranger comes along and catches him.
Keeping his cool, the guy throws out a line that the fish in his cooler are his pets, and every weekend he lets them swim free in the creek. After about ten minutes he calls them back and they jump into the cooler to head home.
The ranger smiles derisively and says, "Ok, why don't you show me then."
The fisherman gladly complies.
He takes each one out of the cooler and puts them gently into the water. They can be seen swimming off into the murky water.
After a few minutes the ranger says, "alright, call them back." He's grinning even more maniacally as he's about to reel in his catch.
"Your "pet" fish, call 'em back."
"Pet fish? Hell, I don't have any fish. You can check my cooler."
The fisherman was the one grinning on the way home, while the park ranger would always remember the one that got away.
The chicken ate lots of corn and started to dance. Why?
To sh*t some popcorn
Question: How many men does it take to open a beer?
Answer: None. It should already be open by the time she brings it.
Question: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
Answer: The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.
One beautiful afternoon in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies.
“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals. I appreciate all that you have given me, but I’m just not happy”, Adam answers.
“Why is that, Adam”, God asks.
“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I have no one special to share it with and I’m lonely”, Adam explained to God.
“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you”, God told him.
Perplexed, Adam asked, “What’s a woman, Lord?”
God replies, “This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.. She will cook and clean for you and do everything that you ask without ever complaining. She will provide every sexual need and fantasy you will ever think of and meet all of your sexual needs. She will bear your children and raise them without complaints. This woman will be the perfect companion for you.”
“Wow! That sounds great,” exclaimed Adam. “Where is she?”
“Not so fast,” said the Lord. “A woman this fantastic is going to cost you.”
“How much”, asked Adam.
“An arm and leg”, God replied.
Adam thought about this for a moment, then replied, “What can I get for a rib?”
The rest is history.
in the beginning was the word "alapeanutbutterandjellysandwiches!!!"
and so the universe was formed.
then god made man and figured "what the heck went wrong there ???" (god scratches head) and had another shot. the rest as they say is history (i think monty python had the story).
Wife walks downstairs to see her husband with his head in his hands at the kitchen table, sobbing.
"What's wrong?" she asks.
Husband: " Do you remember that day, 20 years ago when your Dad told me I'd have to marry you or go to jail?"
Husband: "I would've been out today."
Why do old men die before their wives do?
They want to.
Do married men really live longer than single men?
No, it just seems longer.
Is Be2 a attacking move for white in Sicilian?
by PhantomCapablanca a few minutes ago
Best Top Blogger on Chess.com: PaulEChess or Samantha212?
by Robert0905 4 minutes ago
best chess win?
by Robert0905 5 minutes ago
PC idiot needs help
by EscherehcsE 11 minutes ago
300 checkmate puzzles!! (puzzles 1 - 19)
by HydroMann 12 minutes ago
Have lost almost 100 rating points
by sirrichardburton 12 minutes ago
1001-2000 worst things to do while playing chess
by ChessPlayinDude47 14 minutes ago
Is it really possible to "know" chess ?
by Bishop_g5 14 minutes ago
Best Profile pictures
by loved 17 minutes ago
Do you mention chess on dates?
by Shygirl6985 18 minutes ago
Why Join | Chess Topics |
Help & Support |
© 2015 Chess.com
• Chess - English
We are working hard to make Chess.com available in over 70 languages. Check back over the year as we develop the technology to add more, and we will try our best to notify you when your language is ready for translating!