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When ill dieThe sea wont forget meThe moon will remind a fewNot to forget me for some timeBut im sureThe sea wont forget me
Is this shit?
Tell me the true.
when you write poetry, my friend, it has to have 'movement' as in rhyme and 'expression' was in similies and metephores, and always try and and take it where you want, in this case, a profound meaning or edge- ill try and explain...
should i die, and im set free
i pray the sea so green won't forget me
then the moon so blue, and the love from you
will remind the few of the deeds we do
when i die and im set free
let me hide beneath the sea
and not forgotten once in time
the love i held that first was mine
if i die and im set free
let me feel a part of thee
close together we will see
that the sea wont forget me
so here, i used your poem as a theme, notice how i kept returning to the theme, and manipulated it to drive the profound idea. also rhyming couplets give the sense of movement!
when you write poetry- say it back to yourself all the time and choose the words 'deliberately'
your poem was what id call a 'good idea' or a 'work in progress' when you write try to expand on the theme as i did in the example i wrote for you. the more you do it the easier it will come-
i wouldnt say that your poem was 'shit' it is very expressive, truely, next time, think of where you words are taking you, and then expand on that theme- dont be afraid to experiment with words and try to return to the theme this will give your work focus-
keep up the good work joao my friend
wow, you did real poetry !!!!!!!
thank you very much for all your suggestions.
ill try to do better, much better
Keep it up my friend. and to redfern-p... Well done!
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