Finally, the lessons have arrived! Hail!

For those who don't know what the heck this is, here's the original idea:

http://www.chess.com/forum/view/scholastic-chess/basic-chess-for-beginners

Now, for the lesson!

Lesson #1: Definitions and Concepts

     Here's how this is gonna go down, my peeps: I'm going to give you some basic definitions and concepts in chess!!!!!!!!!!!! Easy enough? 99% of beginners on this website should know all of this, but it's still important to review. Some stuff here may be new to you, who knows? I would if I were God, but I ain't. So, let's get it on, babe!

First off, let's remember that the chessboard is an 8x8 square, 64 squares in total. Now, we have to be able to read the the board in algebraic coordinates in order to simplify and shorten the explanation for where a particular piece is. The chessboard consists of 8 rows and 8 files (the vertical lines are called files; they're indicated by the letters a - h, the leftmost called 'a'. The horizontal lines are called rows; they're indicated by the numbers 1 - 8, the bottom one called '1'. This is from the point of view of White, so here's the board!)

<>
<>
<>
<>
<>

Now that you've allegedly understood the coordinates perfectly =D, let's move on to the pieces!!!

Pawn: this little fellow is the one you see on the 2nd row - they're 8 clones, basically. These pawns can move 1 or 2 spaces forward (along the vertical files) on their first move; afterwards, they can only move 1 space forward at a time. They CANNOT move backwards (mainly because they're stupid little idiots). They can only capture diagonally 1 space (lame, isn't it?).

Bishop: this guy should represent the religion in chess. How lame. The bishops are located right next to the queen and the king. They're the pointy ones (no surprise). They can move diagonally along the chessboard any amount of spaces necessary; they always move in a straight line (that's surpirising!). They can move backwards.

Knight: these are the ones that look like horses, even though knights are supposed to be people. These retarded, but useful, pieces stand right next to the bishops. They DO NOT move in "straight" line, according to chess notation. They move in an L shape: 2 spaces in one direction, and 1 space perpendicular to the first direction. It is no surprise that these knights don't move in a straight line, because they are clearly not straight! =D They can also move backwards.

Rook: These are the castle-shaped things located on the corners of a chessboard. They defy the laws of biology and physics because they are non-living objects that can move of their own accord, much like the other pieces. They move in straight lines along files and along rows (unlike the diagonal-moving bishop). They move any amount of spaces necessary. They can likewise move backwards.

Queen: this is the most powerful piece on the board (of course, all females seem to think they're the strongest ;D. Come to think of it, they actually are. =( Ah, well!) It is basically a combination of a bishop and a rook: it can move diagonally and along rows and files, and it can ***move backwards***!!! Amazing! It goes any amount of spaces that are necessary. It stands on the d-file, next to the lazy king. It is so important that I often sacrifice my king to protect the queen (for educational purposes, do not attempt this).

King: this is the most selfish and lazy of the pieces on the chessboard. I don't like the King - I try to get him captured and killed as often as possible (for educational purposes, DO NOT attempt this). He can move in the same directions as the Queen, except only 1 space! What a sucker. Everything must be done to protect the king: whenever he is attacked by an enemy piece, the enemy piece must be either eliminated or blocked, no matter what the cost. Yup, "it's good to be the King" (Mel Brooks).

<>

<>
<>
<>
<>

<>
<>

Next, we have to focus on basic definitions in chess. Just the ones that you have to know, none of those crazy openings and what not! So, here they come - don't get hit too hard in the head!:

Checkmate: the main purpose of this game. I often call it "raping the King". This occurs when an enemy piece attacks the King, and no matter what the attacked does, the King will still be "captured". Nevertheless, the King is never taken off the board - the game ends when the King is checkmated or otherwise raped.

Check: this is a threat to rape the King. Basically, a check occurs when an enemy piece attacks the King and the King is able to escape. An inescapable check is known as checkmate (comprehend the "mate" part now? ;D)

Castling: this is a special situation that occurs between the rook and the king (no, it's not a retarded relationship between a castle and a selfish man!!!) It occurs when: 1) there is nothing between the king and rook, 2) there is nothing attacking the king, and 3) no squares that the king travels along during castling are attacked. Castling is usually done to protect the King (put him close behind his pawns, where he often does unmentionable things to them), and to allow the Rook to go into the action. Kingside castling (files e-h) is indicated in notation by O-O. Queenside castling (files a-d) is indicated by O-O-O. Sometimes it's not good to castle, but let's leave that for later!!!!!!!!!!

En passant: a stupid expression and move that makes life harder for all of us noobs (particularly me). This occurs when a pawn is standing 3 spaces in front of where it began and the opponent moves a pawn, which is next to the first pawn we talked about, forward 2 spaces. Therefore, the 2 pawns are directly next to each other. The first pawn we mentioned is able to capture the pawn next to it and moves 1 space in front of the captured pawn (looks like a normal diagonal capture). Here's an example, because en-passant is really an a-hole:

<>
<>
<>
<>
<>

WARNING: en passant can ONLY be used the move after the opponent pawn moves 2 spaces forward. If the opponent's pawn moves 2 spaces forward and you do not perform en passant right then, you CANNOT perform it afterwards.

En passant can be useful (it's caused to lose 1 game on chess.com).

 En Prise: this means that you leave an unprotected piece under attack. A huge majority of the time, when a beginner leaves a piece en prise, they will lose it without any compensation. Not saying that beginners are idiots... ok, that is what I'm saying. But I'm also a beginner, remember? ;D In several instances, leaving a piece en prise can be beneficial. Those instances are called sacrifices (in the end, these sacrifices will benefit you). Very few beginners are able to make a sacrifice without being told that they are able to do so successfully. You've seen these sacrifices in Daily Puzzles and have often misunderstood them. HAHA! Well, after a large series of lessons, I may be able to teach you how to make the occassional successful sacrifice or two. Until then, screw the sacrifices! You'll learn how to not put your pieces en prise!!!

Draw: Just like in art, chess sometimes involves drawing. Unfortunately, it usually doesn't look nearly as beautiful. As a matter of fact, there haven't been any "beautiful" draws in chess... maybe nicely played out, but not beautiful!!! Well, a draw occurs when both sides (Black and White) have equal positions and often equal material, and can't find a way for either to win. This can occur because the players are drunk, dumb, or are simply able to see no end to a game. A specific draw called a stalemate occurs when one opponent can't make a move without somehow exposing his King to attack. General draws occur when 1) no piece has been captured for 50 moves and 2) no pawn has been moved for 50 moves - this is called the "50-move rule". There have been exceptions, but those are limited - and they probably will never be found by beginners - only advanced snobbish players can attempt to do so.

<>

<>
<>
<>
<>
<>
<>

Now, some concepts that you should always know before starting to play a game:

Develop

What is this development of which everyone makes such a huge mess over? Development consists of bringing out your minor pieces (bishops and knights) so they can attack the opponent and potect your king. In addition, further development consists of allowing your major pieces (rooks and queen) to move along free spaces, attack the opponent, and protect your king. It is necessary to move the pawns in order to develop the bishops, rook, and queen. Too much pawn movement, though, is dangerous. A significant part of development is often castling, which releases the rook. ALL or MOST pieces should be able to move in order to guarantee a successful game (there are few exceptions, but only for advanced players).

Center

You always hear those masters and advanced players and other overly-egoistic bastards saying "try to control the center, it's very important! BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!" Well, believe it or not, I'd like to be one of those crazy snobs, and will therefore explain the importance of the center. If you place any piece on the chessboard (be it a knight, bishop, rook, queen, or king), then you will see that every piece is able to move in any direction (except the idiot pawn, which can only move forward - HAHA!). All of these pieces (except the retarded pawn =P) have maximum mobility from the center 4 squares (d4, d5, e4, e5). They can go anywhere (anywhere on the chessboard, anyway, exactly like many advanced players to whom the chessboard is their world).

En Prise = Bad

A weakness for many, many beginners is leaving their pieces undr attack. I'll teach you how to spot these attacks and avoid them at all costs. Not yet - first we do development and center!!!

It's A Good Idea To Win

Trust me on that one - I usually lose because I have very bad ideas. Actually, I usually lose just for the heck of it! Do not do the same. It's not very good. A weakness among most players is spending enough time thinking about their moves. Lately, I've increased how much thinking I've been doing per move, and my game has improved (I'm not saying my game is good - it actually sucks, but not as badly as before). Hopefully, in the subsequent lessons, I'll help you win more (or, if preferable, lose less).

<>
<>
<>

<>
<>
<>
<>

Well, that's the end of Lesson #1 - the most boring lesson that I will ever give on this website. Congratulations if you survived it. If you didn't, don't blame me for your death - nevertheless, if I hear cops near my home, I'm gonna run. FAST!!!

<>

 STAY TUNED FOR LESSON #2 ON JULY 9TH, 10TH, OR 11TH!!!

<>

That's all, folks!

Link to Lesson #2: http://www.chess.com/forum/view/scholastic-chess/basic-chess-for-beginners-lesson-2

Thanks, sstteevveenn, I guess I was taught incorrectly! =P I fixed it up, but I assume everything is correct. Nevertheless, it sometimes helps if you're not under attack when castling! ;D

Thanks, kronick! More good stuff on the next lesson!

This is nice of you to put this together, but why? All this information, and more, is already in the 'chess rules and basics' section of the site.

Also, it would make more sense to put these 'lessons' on your blog instead of using the forums. Just a thought.

 Correct, 789159, the horizontal pathways across the chessboard are named ranks, and the vertical pathways strewn over the chessboard are named files.

Right, ranks not rows. Nothing huge, though - the important definitions are after that.

Although all this stuff may be somewhere else on chess.com, I haven't seen it anywhere, and public forums are rather easy to find, agree? ;D

I'm going to go into much more detail in future lessons and put links to previous lessons on all my subsequent lessons. Next one is in approximately 1 week.

If you want an outline of lessons I'm planning, go ahead and ask. I won't post them up publicly, because then there won't be any nice surprises! ;D 

No comments on my horrible humor? Can someone at least say my humor sucks? ;D

 Yes, but why clutter them up with this type of stuff? These forums are meant for a lot of quick discussion on simple topics. Something like lessons would belong in the articles section or on your personal blog. I think you need to spend some more time exploring the site to get a feel of where things belong. You should definitely check out the articles page, which is under 'Learn' near the top left. The 'chess rules and basics' that I mentioned is also under the learn menu. You can post to your blog by going to 'My home' at the top right. Hope that helps.

Good post.

For castling, i'd add that neither the king nor the rook to be used for a castle should have moved. Tampering with either voids the building permit. 

NB, normally if your opponent says check mate, that signifies the end of the game, however if you're playing against an aussie then when he says check mate, it just means you have to get out of check.
when playing a game ending move against the aussie you in fact have to say check mate, mate - otherwise he thinks it's still his move
this advice may be too advanced for a first lesson chess student or for aussies, so feel free to ignore all of above, but if you have found this post helpful, then feel free to send me a cheque mate

TonightOnly, thanks for the advice. I looked over the chess basics page, and it did look somewhat similar to mine, except not nearly as funny. =D I'll probably put this stuff up as a blog or combine it all into an article later on. Let's call this an experiment first, and see that if the first month goes OK, I'll continue this set of lessons. I can't say this is clutter - the forums are read more than anything else on this site, so I figure it's easier to find this, it's useful information, and therefore NOT clutter. Get my flow?

wagrro - this is an excellent point you're making - I'll have to make a separate forum especially for Australian chess or for those who play Australians at chess!

Hey, Lunchbox, thanks for the compliment. I do allow you to use this as a resource, but 2 things before you go ahead and make this horrible decision:

1) Make sure that it says Dr_Doc_MD wrote it

2) Make sure the children understand the sexual references I've made

That's all - expect more detailed and correctly written lessons in the future - next lesson is posted on July 9th!

If anyone is interested, here's some of the curriculum:

Lesson #2: Importance of the Center

                several diagrams, simple questions with answers included

Lesson #3: Importance of Development

                openings discussed and shown, consequences shown

Lesson #4: Basic Attacks I

                what attacking is, diagrams, simple attacks defined, show basic avoidance

Lesson #5: En prise I

                how to see simple attacks and recognize if a piece may be lost, diagrams and simple puzzles

Lesson #6: Basic Defense I

                defending against basic attacks and stopping basic attacks

Lesson #7: En prise II

                show more complex attacks (2 moves), avoid en prise, simple puzzles

Lesson #8: Basic Attacks II

                show common pins and forks, diagrams, show consequences in game(s)

Lesson #9: Basic Attacks III

                expand understanding of pins and forks, how to find and avoid, puzzles (not extremely easy)

That's all I have for now; I'll incorporate more defense a little bit later. There are more things I'll incorporate as well, but all later on. This should pretty much take us through to late August / early September.

Expect bad humor in those lessons!

Come on people! I

thought you wanted

this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where are you

beginners???