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Member Since:
Apr 11, 2009
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Last Login:
May 27, 2012
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Profile Views:
2023
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Points:
61
It has been a tough year, but so far I've made it !!! But not everyone is as lucky as I am...... 1. The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. 2. I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" 3. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. 4. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them . 5. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. 6. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'. 7. Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names. 8. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. 9. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. 10. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. 11. The Mafia is laying off judges. 12. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. 13. Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear ! And, finally... 14. I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. ............................................. In a park, people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say: "What a clever dog!" But the man protests: "No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!" ................................................... Funny Equivalents and Ratios 1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton 3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope 4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond 5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram 6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = 1 Knotfurlong 7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year 8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon 10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz ---------------------------------------- Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life: 1. Just accept that, some days you're the pigeon: and some days, you're the statue. 2. Always keep your words soft and sweet - just in case you have to eat them. 3. Always wear stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 4. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be "recalled" by their maker. 5. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 6. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again. It was probably worth it. 7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others. 8. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. 9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 10. Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. 11. The second mouse gets the cheese. 12. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 13. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. 14. You may be only one person in the world, But you may also be the world to one person. 15. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 16. We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp; some are pretty; and some are dull. Some have weird names; and all are different colours; but they all have to live in the same box. 17. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. :O)