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New Investment DefinitionsThese terms have been redefined to fit current circumstances:CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.BEAR MARKET - A six to eighteen month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex!VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.BROKER - What my broker has made me.(S&P) STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the Toilet.INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a Nuthouse.MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.'BUY, BUY' - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-Eleven for toilet paper and cigarettes.CALL OPTION - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.YA HOO - What you yell after selling all you owned to some poor sucker for $240 per share.WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.PROFIT - Religious guy who talks to God.And so it goes.
Your Urgent Help NeededDear American: I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude. I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you. I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe. This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred. Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds. Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson
A Guide to U.S. Newspapers1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
The Hottest Selling Political Bumper Sticker
Finally, a new bumper sticker for BOTH political parties.This hottest selling political bumper sticker comes from New York State:"RUN HILARY RUN'Democrats put it on the rear bumper.Republicans put it on the front bumper.
Bush's Tragedy
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"
The Sanlu Group, makers of milk powder, receive complaints about its baby formula after infants in Hunan province develop kidney stones after being fed the powder. The company learns that the milk was contaminated with melamine.
July 16, 2008:
Sixteen infants in Gansu Province fed milk powder made by the Sanlu Group are diagnosed with kidney stones.
July 24, 2008:
A doctor reports nine cases of kidney stones in babies and raises his concerns over the milk powder.
August 2, 2008:
Sanlu alerts local authorities in the city of Shijiazhuang in north China's Hebei province, where it is headquartered, about the melamine contamination. The New Zealand dairy group Fonterra, an investor in Sanlu, learns about the illnesses and push for a recall.
September 5, 2008: Fonterra pushes New Zealand's government to get involved, who then inform officials in Beijing.
September 9, 2008:
Local Shijiazhuang officials tell Hebei Provincial officials about the contamination. Hebei provincial officials then contact the central government.
September 11, 2008
Two months after the first illnesses are reported, Sanlu publicly recalls 700 tons of baby formula. Dozens of babies have developed kidney stones and one has died. The World Health Organization is notified.
September 13, 2008:
Health officials say over 400 babies have developed kidney stones. Sanlu is publicly blamed for waiting so long to warn the public. An inspection of all Chinese baby formula makers is announced.
September 15, 2008:
The number of sick children rises to 1,200, with a total of two deaths. Chinese officials said contamination took place at the farm level. Sanlu issues a public apology for the contaminated milk powder. The company is ordered to halt production and destroy all unsold and recalled products.
September 16, 2008:
Sanlu Chairman and General Manager Tian Wenhua, is fired. A comprehensive inspection of over 100 baby milk powder makers finds 22 companies with traces of melamine.
September 17, 2008:
China's two largest dairies recall baby formula. The death toll reaches 3 children with over 6,000 sick. Thousands of inspectors are sent to milk producers across the country. Sanlu's Tian Wenhua is charged with two violations of the criminal code.
September 18, 2008:
The Hebei Provincial Public Security Department announce the arrest of 12 milk dealers and suppliers who allegedly sold contaminated milk to Sanlu, bringing the total number arrested to 18.
September 19, 2008:
Melamine is found in liquid milk.
September 21, 2008:
The number of sick children reaches 53,000 with four deaths. A child is found sick in Hong Kong after drinking Chinese dairy products.
September 22, 2008:
The head of China's product quality watchdog agency steps down.
September 26, 2008:
An additional 10,000 cases of tainted milk were reported from provinces. Consumer panic halts purchases of milk, leaving farmers with no market or means of support for their milk.
September 27, 2008:
Sanlu is close to bankruptcy and may be taken over by the Beijing Sanyuan Foods Company.
October 8, 2008:
The Chinese government announces it will no longer issue updated figures since the tainted milk is not an infectious disease. Reuters reports that the number of people sick could total more than 90,000.
October 11, 2008:
Police in Hebei province arrest a suspect that made more than 600 tons of fake protein powder laced with melamine.
October 13, 2008:
Managers at the top three dairy companies: Mengniu, Yili and Bright Dairy, issue their first public apology for their involvement in the melamine milk scandal.
October 16, 2008:
China announces a $26.4 million subsidy to dairy farmers in Inner Mongolia to aid those economically hit by the scandal.
October 20, 2008:
Government tests show no trace of melamine in liquid milk in the 13th round of tests covering nearly 500 batches of baby formula from 66 brands in 22 cities.
October 22, 2008:
The United Nations issues a report urging China to educate and train food industry stakeholders and government enforcement agencies.
October 30, 2008:
Eggs in the city of Hangzhou are recalled due to melamine contamination. The Bright Dairy and Food Company announced it lost $50.5 million as a result of the scandal. Nine families affected by the tainted milk sue the Sanlu Company in separate lawsuits.
October 31, 2008:
Officials announce that 8,300 tons of unqualified milk products were withdrawn from the market since the toxic baby formula scandal's exposure.
Enron Capitalism
Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all themilk.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Cows & Politics ExplainedA CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
The president also had his most irreverent answer yet when asked whether the intense opposition to his health care plan stems at least in part from racism.
"First of all, I think it's important to realize that I was actually black before the election," Obama said to big laughs from Letterman and the audience.
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