Amnesty International To Boycott FIDE , USCF Due To Human Rights Abuses.
Amnesty International announced today that it has filed an official report alleging widespread human rights abuses by the world's preeminent chess organizations. "We intend to alert the world to the abhorrent treatment of so called professional athletes that participate in FIDE and the USCF sanctioned events. It is obviously clear that these 'athletes' are in fact just circus freaks being paraded about and exploited for their cerebral abnormalities " said Amnesty International in an official press release.
AUTISM, TOURETTE'S, ADDICTION
"At the highest levels, chess players are essentially autistic savants, or human calculators and should be classified as disabled" said psychiatrist Dr. Hugh R. Krayzay. "Aside from their savant-like spatial memory and capacity for calculation, these people often suffer from marked psychatric conditions, most notably a nearly total lack of social skills and many other basic life skills. We also noticed after observing a few blitz sessions, that many of these poor souls also appear to be suffering from Tourette's syndrome, displaying uncontrollable nervous ticks, face pulling, lewd gestures, and astoundingly foul language outbursts.
"They are calculating machines, nothing more. Demoralized and catatonic automatons that are simply pointed in the direction of a board and pieces and told to play, or else. The deficiencies in other areas of human interaction are compounded, I think, when those affected realize that chess is just an abstract game and has absolutely no practical benefit for society or to those who play it. Furthermore, computers are already far superior to humans at chess so these players are obsolete and totally irrelevant when it comes to advancing chess theory. They are made to concentrate for hours on end and memorize tomes of information for nothing more than the enjoyment of their sadistic patrons in the chess community. Its obvious when you watch these players concentrating at the board -- they are in agony.
MOVES FOR THE FUTURE
Rehabilitation will undoubtedly be a challenge. Many titled chess masters are flat broke and live at a standard equal or below the poverty level. Over 50 percent are malnourished and almost all of them are hopelessly addicted to chess. "When a player comes to us they are typically in crisis from having lost a game due to overlooking some very elementary tactic. Our standard protocol is to immediately confine the player in a straight jacket and lock him away in a rubber room for several days or more to detox. Further treatments include shock therapy, and even lobotomies in especially acute cases" said Dr. Krayzay. "In my opinion, the abuses these mentally disabled 'athletes' endure is an appalling and totally unnecessary human rights violation. It must be stopped immediately. "
"the future of chess?"
Update: Amnesty International has announced a joint operation with PETA and Greenpeace with the goal of forming a naval blockade around the Isle of Mann, during this year's major open chess tournament. This has been a Fool's Mate Magazine Special Report.