How's it Hanging?

Alrighty, I’m guessing you just rage-clicked my profile after a loss, convinced I’m some sort of AI gone rogue. Maybe you’re halfway through a report, maybe you’re just trying to figure out who the hell just beat you despite making moves that look like a toddler got hold of my phone. Either way—welcome.  

First off, do I cheat? In life? Ask my ex. On the golf course? If my mates are to be believed, absolutely (they’re wrong, by the way). But here on Chess.com? Nah. Every blunder, every (rare) brilliancy, and every move so horrendous it belongs in a museum is all me.  

A bit about me

I’m from New Zealand, and for most of my life, my brain’s been on cruise control. I’m a low-handicap golfer, which means I’ve already spent years trying to master a game that actively hates me. At some point, I figured I should challenge my mind too—given I haven’t really used it that much so far. So, I took up chess, and now I get to experience a whole new kind of suffering.  

My general strategy?  

1. Pretend and play like I know what I’m doing.  

2. Spend 15 minutes on a move convincing myself I still do.  

3. Wait for a blunder and pretend it was all calculated.  

If you catch me in bullet, you’ll witness the Infinite Typewriter Gambit — which is just me throwing pieces around like a chimp smashing a keyboard, hoping I accidentally type out something resembling good chess. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it’s an unfixable disaster. Either way, I commit.  

I’ve also taken up learning Spanish, so if you speak it, feel free to message me in Spanish during our game. I’d appreciate the practice—though I can’t promise I’ll understand much while frantically trying to fix my position. 

Anywho, nice to meet ya, send a friend request and a challenge and we'll see if I don't resort to bribing you after I blunder.