[APRIL FOOLS]: Caruana Hires Dwayne the Rock as Mental Toughness Coach
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[APRIL FOOLS]: Caruana Hires Dwayne the Rock as Mental Toughness Coach

tyler
tyler
Apr 1, 2018, 11:14 AM |
2

APRIL FOOLS


As we have previous reported on many of our Chess.com/TV Broadcasts, GM Fabiano Caruana recently announced that he is seeking a Mental Toughness Coach for his upcoming appearance in the World Championship.  This came after Caruana announced  "...I need some help getting my head into this brain game once again". He went on to say "I'm weak; I've been practicing defense by playing Clash of Clans when not studying Chess and Chess theory and haven't been using Chess.com's tactics when all this time, I should have been."

Last week, I reached out to Caruana trying to check in and see how the interviewing process for the mental-toughness coaching position was going. To my surprise, rather than a kindly worded email from Caruana, I received a ridiculous form-letter with Chess.com's CEO Erik Allebest and CCO Daniel Rensch carbon-copied on the email, that told me to "cease and desist" harassing Caruana by calling his number hundreds of times and to stop trying to email and call all of Caruana's staff. 

After a lengthly discussion with both Erik and Danny about my "inappropriate behavior" in trying to secure an interview with Caruana, I took it upon myself and decided I'd be better off disregarding the stern warnings they had just given me by going straight to Caruana's home instead of continuing to consistently email all of Fabiano's public-relation agent's personal email accounts.

The following morning, I flew to Caruana's home in a plane's overhead compartment and went to his home in an attempt to get a face to face interview with Caruana himself. When I found him whilst sleuthing his home and looking through the many windows of his mansion, he was eating pancakes shaped like Magnus Carlsen's head and was slurping a hot cup of Java (not the computer kind) in a cup that said "I'm strong & I'm powerful". Immediately, I knew he had found the right coach and let out a squeal...

I must've been too loud, since next thing I knew, his personal security team tried restraining me and throwing me off of his premises. Thankfully, I always carry my handy-dandy taser, which unbeknownst to Chess.com's CEO Erik and much of the Chess.com "Biz-Dev" Team was purchased on the company's credit card and branded accordingly.

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Once all of his security was incapacitated, I was able to enter the home, eat Magnus pancakes and sit down with Caruana to discuss his Top 5 candidates for the Mental Toughness Coach position.


Caruana's Mental Toughness Coach Top 5 Picks

#5 - Barack Obama

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We at Chess.com can officially confirm and report that former United States president, Barack Obama was interviewed for the position. While official documents and correspondence between the Chess GM and former-president Obama use the name "Barry-O" in reference to this highly secretive staff pick, we can confirm that Obama was indeed a candidate for this position. Just minutes ago, President Donald Trump also acknowledged the news and discussed it in a series of now-deleted tweets posted to his personal Twitter Account.

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#4 - Ninja

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Suprisingly, we can confirm that popular Fortnite-Twitch streamer, Ninja was also a candidate for his ability to "360 no-scope" and win in the now-popular battle-royale based game, Fortnite. Things must not have worked out... :/

#3 - Al Roker

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Al Roker, the main weatherman from NBC's Today was considered for the position of mental- toughness coach as well; however following allegations that Roker is being mind controlled by the illuminati, negiotiations between the chess player and the NBC weather man immediately ceased;

#2 - Jake Paul

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Mental Toughness isn't always about being physically tough, or atleast that must have been the thought when Caruana sought negiotiations with disgrunted Disney Channel Star and Hollywood Menace, Jake Paul. Jake Paul, known for his career on YouTube and for his brother, Logan Paul, is known to simply "dab on 'em haters". Perhaps this Laissez-Faire type philosophy of simply "dabbing on 'em haters" is what Caruana would have preferred had it not been announced that Wesley So is getting coached by Mixed-Martial Arts fighter, Conor McGregor. 

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#1 - Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson

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Known as an American actor, producer, director, and retired-wrestler, Dwayne Johnson fits the bill most closely with his strong-appearance externally and his likely ability to teach Caruana physical toughness in adition to mental-toughness. We were able to get a brief interview with him following the news of his hiring to Caruana's team before his security team began firing rubber bullets at me.

Tyler (Chess): What can you tell us about Caruana's training for this upcoming world championship?

Dwayne "the Rock": It's definately going to require beating the wind out of him [Caruana] since I think he's only experienced in Chess. When it comes to mental toughness, exterior toughness is just as important!

Tyler (Chess): So will he be beating up his opponents both on and off the board then?

Dwayne "the Rock": I can't disclose that, but I can say if any chess player is playing Caruana, they best watch their boards and their backs.

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Additionally, this morning I woke up to an email from both Danny and Erik in reply to this situation. I thought it might be best I share it here...

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