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Survive a Wilford Brimley Attack

Survive a Wilford Brimley Attack

wallyfives
Aug 17, 2007, 5:26 AM 1

HOW TO SURVIVE A BRIMLEY ATTACK

Introduction

Wilford Brimley attacks are extremely rare, but it's best to be prepared. Almost all Wilford attacks involve encounters with cocoons and diabetes. Never approach a Brimley, cute and cuddly as it may be.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Steps

1

Step One

Remain calm if you spot Wilfred; avoid sudden movements.
2

Step Two

Back away slowly, avoid eye contact, and speak to the Wilford in a calm, quiet voice. Running might trigger a chase response, and you're not going to outrun a Brimley.
3

Step Three

Throw something onto the ground (for example, a donut) if Wilford pursues you, as this may distract him and allow you to escape.
4

Step Four

Keep your backpack on; it may protect your body if you're attacked.
5

Step Five

Don't climb a tree. Wilford can climb trees, and trees found in Brimley country generally have weak trunks and lack low branches.
6

Step Six

Drop to the ground in the fetal position with your hands behind your neck if attacked. Stay silent and don't move.
7

Step Seven

Roll with the Brimley's blows and return to your motionless fetal position.
8

Step Eight

Stay quiet and motionless for at least 20 minutes once Wilford leaves. Wilford will often watch from a distance and return at the first sign of movement.
9

Step Nine

Fight back only as a last resort if the Wilford Brimley persists. You'll have the best luck fighting back against a Wilford Brimley. If you can get to your feet, strike him in the eyes or on the snout as you slowly back away.

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