Survive a Wilford Brimley Attack
Aug 17, 2007, 5:26 AM 1
HOW TO SURVIVE A BRIMLEY ATTACK
Wilford Brimley attacks are extremely rare, but it's best to be prepared. Almost all Wilford attacks involve encounters with cocoons and diabetes. Never approach a Brimley, cute and cuddly as it may be.
Remain calm if you spot Wilfred; avoid sudden movements.
Back away slowly, avoid eye contact, and speak to the Wilford in a calm, quiet voice. Running might trigger a chase response, and you're not going to outrun a Brimley.
Throw something onto the ground (for example, a donut) if Wilford pursues you, as this may distract him and allow you to escape.
Keep your backpack on; it may protect your body if you're attacked.
Don't climb a tree. Wilford can climb trees, and trees found in Brimley country generally have weak trunks and lack low branches.
Drop to the ground in the fetal position with your hands behind your neck if attacked. Stay silent and don't move.
Roll with the Brimley's blows and return to your motionless fetal position.
Stay quiet and motionless for at least 20 minutes once Wilford leaves. Wilford will often watch from a distance and return at the first sign of movement.
Fight back only as a last resort if the Wilford Brimley persists. You'll have the best luck fighting back against a Wilford Brimley. If you can get to your feet, strike him in the eyes or on the snout as you slowly back away.