Correspondence ‘freestyle’ chess battle

Knighthizzle 

my nizzle 

You guys are getting too good at this, so I wimped out and wrote a chess dis on behalf of an old man who plays chess in the park. He had the following to say:

I come to the park with a chessboard under arm.

I’m a cruel, cruel bastard, but I mean no harm.

When I’m not playing, I’m feeding the birds.

But when I am playing, I’m slaying fellow nerds.

I can hide my smirk behind my gray mustache,

As you scratch your head furiously. Do you have a rash?

I pack my lunch in bag made of brown paper.

Chess doesn’t pay, can’t tip the waiter.

I know when it’ll rain by the feeling in my knees;

So I brought an umbrella, and a sandwich, ham and cheese.

 Pawns, I push like half digested prunes.

An AM radio, I bring for the tunes.

I have a chess clock too, but all I have is time.

My slacks are neatly pressed, creased to a line. 

My appearance is intriguing, much as you are to play me.

Your offense is deceiving, look at your pieces en prise!

Young and confident you are, but when you attack runs out of steam.

You’ll be confused and embarrassed, like waking up from a wet dream.  

My fingers aren’t straight, got rheumatoid arthritis.

But I can still point out your error, all despite this.

Your defense is vault tight, but I have the keys to the locks;

I may have alzheimers, but you’re shaking like Micheal J. Fox

Only I know the truth about the man portrayed above.

He represents a future you, whom no one will ever love.

It’s like a “Freedom 55” commercial, but your future is bleak.

You might become a better chess player, but you’ll forget how to speak.

As it stands, your verbal abilities are following a negative curb.

Since when is the word “castle” used as a verb?

Perhaps it isn’t too late to change your fate?

It will become inevitable if you keep playing at this rate.

Presently, your only social interaction involves your keyboard.

Are you starting to get upset? Did I hit a sensitive chord?  

Women don’t dig guys who ignore them for chess.

And that’s you, Mr. Burn. It’s time to confess.

It is only necessary to admit it to yourself.

Turn off your hardrive and put it on the shelf.

Not forever, but only for a little while.

You’ll feel much better without the denial.

Chess is boring, whereas girls are fun.

From what I hear, you have yourself one.

Perhaps for the time being, she’ll tolerate your addiction.

But, if you don’t change your ways, your future will mirror your depiction.

And with that, your fate will be stamped with a seal.

If only you thought about how you made her feel.

You’re like Ebenezer Scrooge, but pawns and rooks are your currency.

Consider me the ghost of Christmas future, because I’m here to help you see,

That although Chess is a tempting, and alluring mistress,

She will never love you back, she hasn’t any flesh.

In closing, your girl is too cute for you, and chess is a dirty w&ore.

Hummina humina, how do I respond to that?

Were you a man, I’d use a baseball bat.

But you’re a girl, and we’re online, so words are my weapon.

I’ll save my harpoon for another time, while you keep on back steppin’

Again I’m a loner, in denial and lacking in self-esteem.

But I’d still school you in chess, don’t need to use my queen.

I’d use your moves against you, manipulate you like putty.

If chess lacked flesh, the battle wouldn’t get bloody. 

To castle is a verb, and chess is simply complicated,

You’re a clever little nerd, who thinks that chess is overrated.

Sorry, to see you believe, my esteem is in need of a confidence boost.

Real - ly, I perceive you’re dream-ing, and that you’re long in the tooth.

But short on content, and you’re lacking imagination;

The smoke in your brain has reached complete saturation.

Your infatuation scares me, a chess fan gone crazy,

You see us together, but your visions all hazy.

Lazy, is why I play this game from dusk till dawn.

Faze me; write about chess in your next song.

Wrong you are about females and my attention,

I’ve just yet to meet one worthy of a mention.

Too many peroxide blonds, with curtains that don’t match.

Like my six-month old puppy, on my leg they attach.

But the pup’s house trained, so he’s the one I’ll keep.

I imagined you played chess, and then awoke from my sleep.

Deep are my words, and shallow are your thoughts,

I’ll make you obsolete by designing a cooking robot.

Oh my god you guys are good

because every time you post a reply,

I would laugh my ass off until i cry.

I just hope that no one would die,

due to the unpleasant words that could severely fry

(i know, i suck)

King William you know Africa is my sweet dream

but I can't come because Africa is not free

One war was enough,no food,no water and no light.

You should know that durex is a good thing

don't make love before you take it

When I was young I liked weed

and I thought I am free

I found cocaine and speed

and I thought I must be free

Everybody said I will die young

but then I found Jesus and I saw light

Now is time for chess and you think I am still a kid

you should know that I was a wonderkid. 

My Dear Quixotical:

You are the king of peons and pawns,
the feeble praise your ingenuity,
are you ready for your audience
to be more intelligent than ivory?

Quixote was revered for his romanticism
or perhaps some contrived chivalry,
but I for one do not see the parallel;
I see the eel that you be.

Your wit and rhymes are fireworks
dazzling as they fly,
nothing more than photons
sprinkled across the sky.

Logic and pattern guide your words,
the verses you are pissing,
it’s time for you to take a step back
and see what you are missing.

I, as you, like to teach,
so listen if you are able,
go grab a cushion from the couch
and join us at the table.

Big words and second rate rhymes,
the maxim of your ode.
To truly rise above the rest,
you must lick a toad.

Not any toad will do,
as the natives now well know.
This toad will make your vision spin.
This toad will make you grow.

You will turn into something new,
big enough to sit across from me.
Moving pawns back and forth,
chuckling as they scream.

I: white; You: black,
pleasantly divided.
But first you must find the toad,
and lick it as I did.

O.k, creating a new thread was perhaps not cool,

Stealing Burns's thunder - that's pretty cruel

I even learnt what plagiarism means in school.

I thought this thread was dead - I was a fool.

But I'll stand by my submission and repeat it here

qwefjz; I deal with later - let him simmer with fear

No I'm not an alcoholic but first I'll have a beer. 

And sometime soon, I'll have some venom to share

"The dust, it did settle, the blood's nearly dry,

Strewn across the field are wounded who'll not die,

Arise, I say to you, wipe the tear from your eye,

A fresh fight has broken; you can have another try.

A preliminary handshake to each of my foe,

Now, no holds barred - this is the show,

Strike with no mercy - to the extreme you may go,

Combat unrelenting, 'till the mortal blow.

So bring just your keyboard and rhyming skills,

Hoping to bag a couple of kills,

And grab a plethora, of cerebral thrills,

In a heated, freestyle, battle of wills.

Some of the survivors from the last battle. "

 (From my attempt to strart a new thread because I thought this one was dead and I missed it.  I want to preserve the challenge . Remember it's all in good fun; above the belt and no hard feelings. )

You people make me sick,

All talk and nothing that sticks,

Pasting in little black and whites,

Boring me blind this late at night,

I can do a google search, too,

Paste in a photo, maybe a few,

But I couldn't find a thing for you,

Nothing for my boy, Quix, would do, 

Pictoral insults are new to this thread,

I'll end with one in a few, and go to bed, 

King Willy and I had an avatar feud,

Our member photos got attitude,

I'm rockin' it bad with the Office Dwight Shrute,

He's rockin' it sad and looks like a fruit,

I gotta think of a picture to go and google,

It's 2am, and my brain's a noodle,

The pic's gonna portray what you no-rhymers are,

Representin' your lyrics better by far,

Than any string of words you can think up,

To try and compete, try and catch up,

So give up, and get up, and step up one time,

You can't spit the beat and type 'em like mine,

If I was in front of you throwin' this down,

I'd leave no doubt that you are a clown,

Okay, now I'm done, I got to retire,

To my bed, not from rhymin', my words are on FIRE.

That is all. 

Nice, I love you guys !!!

 You seriously made my morning.

Slight of hand, I play like Anand.

My queen has her eye on your queen’s man.

Your knight try’s to jump, but there’s nowhere to land.

Marginally clever says to ‘be sensitive,’ so I raise my hand.

I’ll be Adam, you are Eve. I conceptualize moves that you can’t conceive.

I fork like you wouldn’t believe; my pet opening is your pet peeve.

We play OTB, You accuse me of sneaking pieces up my sleeves.

But you’re just in Zugzwang—Can’t move -- like Christopher Reeves. 

Like a time-out victory, this thread’s a guilty pleasure.

When I give up at chess, I post here at my leisure.

No rating can measure the words that I spit.

I’ll romance your queen; don’t take your eye off of it. 

If you castle short, then I’ll castle long

You’ll prove me right when I prove you wrong

When I play over-the-board, I break out in song,

Without chess, I’d be depressed, like Lenny sans bong. 

I play like cheater_1, but I don’t need to cheat.

We should start a fund for him, hire a girl for him to meet!

Get the cheater out of his seat, and outta my forum.

A dumb, deaf, and blind girl just might adore him! 

I’d love to play the cheater, but I can only play his program.

He fell in love with his rating and the cheating got out of hand.

But it’s not fair to publicly address what is surely a private issue.

 Qwefjz:

You started off well but faded into the obscure,

For this ailment there is an easy cure,

Stick to the point, and words - just use fewer,

Knowing when to stop will keep your rhyme pure.

Lick some toads? Just like ol' Homer?

Sure - why just get buzzing when you can be in a coma?

To go "tripping" well that's a misnomer,

It's mindsets like this, make me glad I'm a loner.

Dazzling, logic, pattern and wit?

Kind words my son while at my feet you sit,

It's obvious you love me and not just a bit;

You tried to copy my name but couldn't spell it.

Compliments as insults? You are too kind,

Such delightful opponents are not easy to find,

Worship my prose and bow to my mind,

And I'll try not to forget you when I leave you behind.

what a great poem match

i dont known what u all try to do,

but i thinks is making a duel,

please dont laughing my note,

or u taking my done!

I walk down the street,
spinning my cane,
the weak kneel down,
and worship my name.

I encounter another,
doing just the same,
spinning webs of words,
securing his fame.

Using his power of prose,
in a sinister style.
He persuaded a deaf man,
two plus two was a mile.

Arrogance and conceit,
two things pride will do.
Your words do not mean a thing,
unless they are true.

You use words as weapons,
I craft mine into tools.
I hammer a nail,
you slaughter a fool.

Call me verbose,
tell me to flee.
Ironically, you are the one,
missing the forest for the trees.

Use words for destruction,
you will soon be alone.
Instead I use words for creation,
building myself a home.

Trapped in my mind,
an eternal inquisition.
I fashion some glasses,
to improve my vision.

Now outside I see the man,
who criticized the woman hater.
Coincidence? Maybe,
perhaps something greater.

I invite you in,
offer a lesson or two.
You have places to go,
no time for my stew.

I bid you farewell,
to wander is your duty.
You critique my rhyme,
for you do not see its Beauty.

The door is left open,
the pieces are set,
incase you look back,
overwhelmed by regret.