50 things not to do during a chess game

1. Calculate variations under breath

2. Kick your opponent with the leg beneath the table

3. Have a nap while waiting for your turn  

4. Wait for own misplay/blunder to feel motivated to a better play

I suspect it shouldn't necessary be number 4 on the list

5. Move pawns sideways thinking this is checkers

6. Drink too much coffee

7. Insult the patzers

8. Chewing the gum loudly

9. Say "meeoww" when you are in Check.

10. Go for a swim while the opponent is thinking.

Ahahahha I like that, it's funny! I wanna try go swimming while waiting for my turn, I know someone used to do it!

13. How did i get stuck with unlucky 13?

oh cami!

you mentioned wanting to go swimming and I think a few hormonal addled boys in the back had little heart attacks.  (or something)

its all very much like the 80's move "Wierd Science"- have you ever seen it?

anyways.

14.  spurred by a sudden whim, you could abandon the game for a good movie or TV flick.

I'm not sure that happens too much in high cost invitational tournaments- but I'm sure it happens in live chess all the time.

thats exactly why; just as you about to win; the opponent ignores the game and times out.

"THAT is that"

I haven't seen that...

So that would be number 15!

16. Blink the eye to your opponent

more boys have passed out. 

17.  announce that your going to leave the tournament leaving dozens of weeping, disappointed boys.

on the other hand  I recommend (as something TO DO during a chess game....)

1. conducting a charity Dating Auction....  might as well use some of that charming personality to help people.

Make a whooshing noice when moving a pawn.  

Keep the numbers please so we know when we reach 50