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You drew to play White but refuse to make rhe first move
you think the parham attack is the greatest thing since sliced bread
You holler across the board at your opponent, with a menacing encounter (please...no one talks like that anymore): "You want a piece of me?!"
"Yeah!", he says, as he pushes his pawn into place and adds: "Checkmate...sucker!" (and the S.O.B. adds insult to injury by sticking his tongue out at you and, simultaneously, giving you "the raspberry").
Being checkmated (when you did not make use of the numerous  escapes from check at your disposal)
You look at the board and say:
"Which one's the king?"
Signs you're a bad player:
- You twiddle the pieces for 5 minutes before each game like Garry Kasparov then open with a4
- You rage quit when Chess Titans beats you in 6 moves on level 1
- You continually murmur "eeny meeny miney mo" before you make your next move.
- you use your index finger to tap sequences of squares all over the board to plot your next move (in an over the board game)...but always have to go back to the start of the sequence after 3 square taps because you lost track of where you were...
You start every game by informing your opponent:
"I'm gonna kick your butt...big time!"
But, due to bad joss, it never happens.
Someone call the cops!!!
Another sign:You sac all of your piecs thinking it was suicide chess when it isnt, and you play normal chess during a suicide match.
You figure: "We've sent men to the moon! So, why can't I break 800?!"
You go to your window, crowbar it open and you stick your head out from the eighth floor of the Y and you scream, the veins on your neck purple and corded: "I am a bad chess player, and I can't take it anymore!"
No. You don't jump. You pull your head in, close the window and you vow to youself: "Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today, I start anew. Today I will do the chess puzzle in the newspaper."
You have a plan. That's a start. A smirky smile encompasses your face. All is well with the world.
another sign grandmasters make video with your play on how NOT to play.
Suppose a player have the habit of marking his tournament crosstable like this:
!! for very strong opponents, might be impossible to get even a draw
! for strong opposition that you are statisfied for draw
!? for slightly stronger guys, or person that plays intersting opening
?! for slightly weaker and uses dubious opening
? for blatantly weaker guys that even a draw cannot be tolerated
A bad chess player would receive constantly ?? or even ???, ????, ????...
in the namelist in each tournament or even each round next to his name
that habit might go wrong if you are in a tournament where you mark all as !!
you manage to promote a pawn but instead of getting a queen, you say, "king me!"
or you promote a pawn but trade it in for another pawn...
you sac 2 pieces of higher value for one piece of lower value, then when your attack doesn't get through...you turn to your ooponent and say "I swear I've seen tal do the same!"
When you have a forced mate [in 20!] against a future US junior champion and hang your Queen midway through the attack.
When you play a move that you think is a blunder but it obviously is a winning move.
Every checkmate you accomplished was done by illegal move, such as promoting a white pawn to black knight or hyper-castling:
Your aunt Emily just told you a story of significant family history.
You see, it was she who had given you your genuine, authentic, Bobby Fischer memorabilia magnetic pocket chess set. But she never told you from whence (I like that word) it came. She is elderly and forgetful, as you know.
So, you just assumed that she or, more probably her now deceased husband, your uncle Louie...who, incidentally, happened to be a really bad chess player...had bought it at a flea market or such.
But no! Aunt Emily, with whom you've just visited for Mothers Day, showed you the photograph below of your uncle Louie on the A train back in 1962 with...with...take deep breaths!...and was presented with the chess set, in token of gratitude (for reasons unknown) and everlasting friendship.
The back of the photo is even signed...and with a note: "Dear Louie: Life is a mountain. Keep on chugging up it. Eat plenty of vegetables and fruit. Never hang around with losers." Signed: "Bobby, your pal".
Here, this chess set is being handed over to your beloved uncle Louie. Bobby maintains a solemn countenance, a forlorn goodbye, to his most prized and cherished possession in the whole, wide world:
You are a bad player when you come up with a new novelty and your move appears in a new book called "The dumbest moves of all-time in the history of chess"