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You and So-and-So are Playing Chess, Who Wins?

  • #1

    * You and the all-knowing Jesus Christ are playing chess.  Who wins?

              You do, as He had sacrificed Himself.

    * You and a waiter are playing chess.  Who wins?

              He does, as you had given him a tip.

     

    (I thought of these while driving)

     

    * You and a Nazi are playing chess.  Who wins?

              He does; at first, he said he wouldn't play you, and then when you weren't looking, he blitzkrieged your ass.  (My favorite)

    * You and a cowboy are playing chess.  Who wins?

              He does - he shot you at the draw.

    * You and a gang-member from L.A. are playing chess.  Who wins?

              He does - he gunned you down the second you made a move into his territory.

    * You and a policeman are playing chess.  Who wins?

             You do, as he fulfills his duties in 'To Protect & Serve'.

    * You and a homosexual are playing chess.  Who wins?

              You do, as he broke the rules by getting his king too close to yours.

    * You and a feminist are playing chess.  Who wins?

              You do, as she simply just cannot tolerate that the king is the most important piece.

    * You and a snail are playing chess.  Who wins?

              He does, as you had died of old age.

    * You and a beaver are playing chess.  Who wins?

              You do - he fell for your trap.

    * You and a carpenter are playing chess.  Who wins?

              He does - he nailed you!

    * You and Freud are playing chess.  Who wins?

             He does, as he is a master-analyst!

    * You and a lawyer are playing chess.  Who wins?

             He does, after taking you to court on charges of 'battery & assault'.

    * You and Superman are playing chess. Who wins?

               Neither one of you - he accidently burned the pieces with his Heat Vision.

    * A Frenchman and an Englishman are playing chess.  Who won?

               The Frenchman - the game was over as soon as he caught the 'Queen'.

    * You and the Pope are playing chess.  Who wins?

               He does, as your bishops were secretively working for him.

    * (alternative) You and a gang-member from L.A. are playing chess.  Who wins?

              Neither one of you.  In fact, you never started, as you both recognized one another's "colors".

    * You and a feudal-lord are playing chess.  Who wins?

              It's a stalemate; he had fortified himself and you couldn't break the siege.

    * You and a hypnotist are playing chess.  Who wins?

              He does, as he had subliminally influenced you to checkmate yourself.

    * You and Gandhi are playing chess.  Who wins?

              Gandhi is a pacifist!

    * You and Captain Hook are playing chess.  Who wins?

              He does, after he 'skewered' you.

    * You and a bowler are playing chess.  Who wins?

              He does - he pinned you.

    * You and a war-general are playing chess.  Who wins?

              He does, as he is top-ranked.

    * You and a sniper are playing chess.  Who wins?

              He does.  Hhe made a move you never saw coming.

    * You and a lesbian are playing chess.  Who wins?

              You do, as she couldn't resist going after your queen.

    * You and the President are playing chess.  Who wins?

              He does - the Secret Service tore you apart the second you put him into "check".

    * You and a businessman are playing chess.  Who wins?

              He does, as he had more files than you.

    * You and a friend who is broke are playing chess.  Who wins?

              You do, as he 'pawned' his pieces.

    * You and a manager are playing chess.  Who wins?

              He does, as he took control of the entire operation. (This isn't funny)

    * You and the Holy Spirit are playing chess.  Who wins?

              You do, as the Holy Spirit has 'guided' you.

    * You and a banker are playing chess.  Who wins?

              He does, as he wrote you a check.

    * You and your best-friend are playing chess.  Who wins?

              He does - your wife was having an affair with him.

     * You and yourself are playing chess.  Who wins?

              "Suicide" is not a term in chess!

     

    (and the last one - hopefully a great one)

     

    * You and God the Father are playing chess.  Who wins?

             He does - even your pieces bowed down before Him.

  • #2

    Don't quit your day job. Your career as a humorist is not promising.

    Have you ever heard of being politically correct? Surely you have offended many and none of these is funny.

    Next time keep your mind on driving. 

  • #3

    * A Frenchman and an Englishman are playing chess.  Who won?

               The Frenchman - the game was over as soon as he caught the 'Queen'.

    Wrong!!!

    The Englishman, the Frenchman used the real French Defense. 1. e4 Black Resigns.

  • #4

    * You and a politically-correct person are playing chess.  Who wins?

              You do, because they left the game after you called the knight 'horse'.

  • #5

    maybe you could use real chess moves and not puns...

    only a couple related to actuall chess pieces were half funny.

  • #6

    By the way, pointing out the obvious behavior of individuals due to their beliefs or preferences is not derogatory simply because it's something everybody acknowledges.  For instance, what do lesbians do?  They sleep with women.  Is that politically-incorrect?  No, I don't think so.  Let's take it to the next step: Who do lesbians chase after?  Answer - other females.  Is that politically-incorrect.  No, I don't think so.  Why?  Because it's something you can't refute.   Now, the queen is a female; hence, my joke.  I'd be politically-incorrect if I were to use harsher terms, or slam their beliefs or preferences.

    Also, I made a joke about Nazis.  Was I politically-incorrect there as well?  Hmm?

  • #7

    Stocke, got some ideas of your own, why not enact on them?

  • #8

    you and a hippopotamus are playing chess- who wins?

    you do, because the hippopotamus attack stinks. to high heaven.

     

    you and a Harvard graduate are playing chess- who wins?

    he does, using Scholar's Mate.

     

    you and your boss are playing chess- who wins?

    he does, because he promoted all his pieces- except for you, of course.

     

    you and an elephant are playing chess- who wins?

    you do, because his Elephant's Gambit didn't work out.

  • #9

    Nice!  I especially like the boss one.  That's an original :)

  • #10

    You and Einstein are playing chess.  Who wins?

    You do - he couldn't figure out the mass of file 'e'.

  • #11
    Daniel-Young wrote:

    You and Einstein are playing chess.  Who wins?

    You do - he couldn't figure out the mass of file 'e'.


    Surely that's the only one he could have figured out? Wink

  • #12

    LOL I love this!!

     

    so true!

    * You and the Pope are playing chess.  Who wins?

               He does, as your bishops were secretively working for him.

     

     

  • #13
    Daniel-Young wrote:

    * You and a politically-correct person are playing chess.  Who wins?

              You do, because they left the game after you called the knight 'horse'.

    lol

  • #14

    You and a banker are playing chess. who wins?

    You - because he has given his king to you as loan.

     

    You and a hen is playing chess. who wins?

    You - because she was too busy protecting her chicks (pawns).

  • #15

    Wesley So-and-so would probably win

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