Worst Thing To Do On Your First Move

Eat the knight because you were hungry for some horse jerky

I think f3. is worst first move. could be wrong though.

Play KxK

Get assassinated for beating your opponent

Fall off your chair

abort to a 105, lose 203 points

Get excited and accidentally blunder your queen

go to the bathroom and pee for the whole time

Lose against an unrated and then lose all your rating points and then lose against another unrated and get kicked out of FIDE

Go to the bathroom and fall into the stall

Lose 1000 rating points for beating Magnus Carlson

My whoopie cushion, you mean?

crash out of the window and go home

Make fun of your opponents rating and then the director switches your rating with the opponent so that you dropped from 2359 to 368.

Have Grim Reapers (which is the spiciest pepper in the world) and burn your throat by not drinking water for 6 hours eating those grim reapers

Have one thousand people fall onto the board and claim a victory and suddenly fall into the sewer