Here is satirical essay that I wrote. It is a tribute to "A modest proposal" by Jonathan Swift (hence the name).
Aaron Harmon
A Swift Solution
To the Present Problem with our Electoral System.
In today’s world we are inundated with varying degrees of the truth. For example, reading your local daily newspaper, you will find; half-truths, whole-truths and undoubtedly a good number of untruths. It is with this in mind that I humbly submit the following to you, the astute and uncharacteristically critical reader. Realizing that you, the reader, are rightfully skeptical of any published word or works, I offer several undisputable points of fact to allay your doubts with regards to the legitimacy of the following essay. First, and foremost, it was not written for profit or glory, both motivating factors in so many fallacious works. Second, the following essay has been proof read by some of our most trustworthy and astute peers. Unfortunately, I am unable to expose these individuals due to the precarious nature of their positions as elected officials of the highest station. I am however certain that, in your infinite wisdom, you will forgive this unfortunate situation and accept their integrity as well as their credentials as a matter of fact unnecessary of further debate or discourse. I also trust that you will forego any ill will towards the humble author of this luminous work. Third and finally, I submit to you that I myself, the writer, was born with a rare biologically inherited disorder, which makes deceit utterly impossible. It would seem that I am directly descended from a certain literary figure of antiquity whose facial anatomy would change proportions following any utterance of untruth. While it is true that this individual, who needs not named, is most frequently discussed as a means to keep children honest in these troubling times, I assure you as his heir that much of his story is true.
Having, beyond any reasonable doubt, established my credentials and credibility, I will move to the purpose of this prose.
Many times in the course of my daily dealings, I have occasion to interact persons of the meanest sort. These savages, and I do not use this term loosely, find shortcomings in our present governmental body. While I assure you that I have not encountered these sentimentalities among gentlemen of quality, I find reason for concern in this malaise amongst our most prolific breeders. The fact is, these individuals comprise the vast majority of our populace. For the sake of clarification, I will identify these persons by the occupations that fill their idle hours. You will find them; tending our gardens, pumping our fuel, chauffeuring our limousines and in any other number of manual labors. A full 95 percent of our population endlessly toils in meaningless employment while only representing around 5 percent of this nations total wealth. I cannot account for these statistics. Somehow, through ignorance or sloth, these individuals are rarely able to improve their stations in life. Worse, when they are able to claw their way out of the middle class cesspool, most typically by winning some lottery drawing, they rarely prove welcome additions to discriminating social circles. The French, whom I generally find disagreeable, have an apt term for these sorts, “nouveau riche.”
Many of the less astute assume that money alone separates the working class from the ruling class; I however, believe that will power, determination and sheer brilliance are the mitigating factors. As evidence to this, I point to our current leader whose only advantages were a gift for unequaled public address, a brilliant and valiant military career and an unwavering dedication to the pursuit of justice in foreign policy. While I will concede that certain measures were taken in the course of his re-election to ensure success, these un-pleasantries were only necessary to save the common man from his own ignorance. Chads forgotten, I believe that gentleman of quality would agree that his office has proven most lucrative. It goes without saying of course that these benefits were only realized by those with the foresight to invest in companies with military contracts, but given his fathers history, few of us made that mistake.
Our current leader and those necessary un-pleasantries in the retirement state (I must use euphemisms to throw off the ceaseless conspiracy theorist whom constantly threaten our power), bring me to the point of this essay.
I have most recently become aware that our current electoral system is inherently flawed. We began and maintained this system under the pretext that lesser men would not have the ability to influence or manipulate the course of our nation. Unfortunately, throughout history, certain concessions have been made in the electoral process to placate the frenzied populace and prevent any unfavorable outcomes (does Le Bastille ring a bell?).
While it is true that we have maintained a certain level of control through preservation of the electoral collage, any use for its designed purpose raises cries of malfeasance from those agitators in the general population, rendering it virtually, though not entirely, useless. We have also, rather successfully, in the past, manipulated the electoral process through various news media. This has always been accomplished through publication of only those truths pre-approved by station managers whose allegiance is to the advertisers and not the general public. This is no longer reliable as journalists are becoming less predictable over live media. Another method that we have previously utilized has been to disproportionately emphasize some lesser matter of importance in the face of scandal. While every Joe Six Pack out there can recall the torrid details of Branjolina-gate, I’ll wager few remember Halliburton.
While it is true that these methods have been successful in the past, we cannot rely on these strategies indefinitely. We must develop new methods as well as revisit some, previously abandoned, tried and true approaches.
I have considered this matter at great length. I have conversed with some of our most astute and learned men. I have read countless volumes on this matter. I now consider myself an expert beyond equal.
Through discourse with peers several solutions to this dilemma have been offered. I will discuss them here so that, if you have considered these yourself, you will see why they are either partly or wholly inadequate.
A gentleman from California recently suggested that each person should be given a number of votes proportionate to his annual income. His idea being that citizens would bring a copy of their W-2 statement to the polls and would be assigned votes accordingly. For example, if a man earned seven thousand dollars a year, he would be allowed seven thousand votes to distribute however he saw fit. This idea has been celebrated by many of our peers. They argue that most of our populace lacks any real confidence in their own knowledge of the issues at hand. In their indecision they will split their number of votes evenly amongst the candidates rendering them useless while preserving the illusion of democracy. At first, I must admit that, in my excitement for an effective and expedient solution I supported this idea. However, after careful deliberation, I have found several potential problems with it. We have already established that the common man is lazy; otherwise, he would be wealthy. In his sloth, he may cast all his votes for whomever’s name he encounters first on the ballot, saving himself the aggravation and strain of performing any computation as complex as division. Secondly, and even more importantly, most of us truly wealthy have been able to effectively shelter the majority of our income from the I.R.S. In fact, on paper I myself am worth less than 1 part in 50 of my true income. Of course, out of humility, I do not accept any State or Federal aid, save the pittance I receive for Social Security. After consideration of these factors I think that you will agree that with adaptation of this proposal, we would have to pay taxes on our true income to give us the votes we would need to carry the election. Myself, I find this solution repugnant; far too much of our precious income is already misused funding idealist, dare I say Marxist, social programs. It is safe to say, in it current form, this plan is less than adequate at best.
The notion of reinstituting the poll tax has also been discussed. I will immediately dismiss this without further deliberation. We tried that and failed. We must move on.
You may have also observed that the first two proposals commonly discussed were blatantly obvious. While I will agree that the common man does not enjoy the superior intellect enjoyed among members of our class, they are not all cretins. I have heard an apt expression that states “The sun even shines on a dogs ass some days.” I hope you will forgive my vulgarity in this, but my point is that sometimes through genetic anomaly or happenstance a child is born to the lower class with intelligence that approaches our own. We will need to employ subtle approaches to this problem if we wish to continue unabated.
To this end I have developed several solutions for this most troubling dilemma. I ask that you review them and carefully consider their merit. I am certain that based on my thoroughly prepared arguments; we will arrive at similar conclusions and can begin to work towards a mutually beneficial goal.
First, I propose that we maintain our ridiculously high infant mortality rates. I realize that this sounds drastic and crude but the savages cannot continue to increase their numbers unabated. I further argue that this proposal is neither, drastic, nor crude, nor difficult for that matter. Our only necessary action is to maintain the status quo.
Second, I propose that we end women’s suffrage. For far to long the women of this country have burdened their delicate temperaments with concerns for matters that I assure you, they cannot possibly understand. We have been doing our fairer sex a disservice by asking them to be familiar with all the issues on the ballet in addition to their already difficult task of maintaining a household for their master. Without out this burden, they will be free to explore more efficient strategies in keeping the house. I believe that women all across the country will be overjoyed with relief once they learn of their reduced responsibilities. I dare say I may find myself quite popular with the ladies should news spread that I were the architect of this proposal.
Thirdly, I believe that we should reduce or eliminate drug and alcohol treatment programs and facilities. We must simultaneously increase the already far to lenient laws for possession and use of drugs. We must continue to let our brothers in the south import their various products without fear of recourse. Within ten years a full half of the country will be brain dead or ex-convicts, either way we will not be hearing from them at the polls.
Forth, I believe that polling stations should be conveniently located in safe rural areas for the sake of increasing security at the polls. Folks from within the city would be happy to drive an hour or so to safer rural areas for the sake of casting their vote. This method has already enjoyed great success on smaller scale in the heartland. I simply propose that we expand the program to include New York, Texas and California. The Orange state is already in the bag as long as we have that ace up our sleeve. Like my grandfather always said “If it’s not broken, don’t hire someone to fix it, particularly if they belong to a union.”
Fifth and finally, I believe that we should quietly intermingle amongst those liberals so that we can run on both sides of the ticket. In this way, whomever loses, we win. I believe that we can put this plan into action immediately and none will be the wiser. It has become increasingly difficult to tell us apart anyway, and the bottom line is always money, no matter which side you’re on.
In conclusion, after careful deliberation, I am certain that you will find these devices expertly conceived and without much room for improvement. Further, several of these strategies are already in place to some extent or another. The rest rely simply on the ignorance and complacency, a safe bet if ever there were. The time to act is now!
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