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Avatar of ChumpDavis123

ulfhednar1234 wrote:

ok, my story

 

we entered the fortress, and immediately he ordered every man to get ready for the coming assault. "the danes wont fight us when we are here' my father told me. 'they are wimps, turds, even, they attack easy prey, which is why we are gathering the thegns and the villagers outside the fort. a village and some silver can be replaced, but not a man's life. remember, this Osbert, for if your elder brother Uhtred the Aetheling dies, you, son, will be the next ealdorman of Bebbanburg.' He then ordered my brother and fifty warriors to exit the castle and scout on the Danes and see where they land. 'You are to spy, and nothing more, Uhtred.'I heard him say. 'yes, father.' I was then take to Beocca, my father's priest. 'keep him busy, beocca. teach him his letters.' 'yes lord' oh, Beocca, he was a most kind soul, but he had an unbelieveable ugliness. his right hand was palsied, he squinted, and his eyes were a milky white. TBC

Try to introduce people to the story rather than continually making up imaginary words.

Avatar of ChumpDavis123

ulfhednar1234 wrote:

ok, my story

 

we entered the fortress, and immediately he ordered every man to get ready for the coming assault. "the danes wont fight us when we are here' my father told me. 'they are wimps, turds, even, they attack easy prey, which is why we are gathering the thegns and the villagers outside the fort. a village and some silver can be replaced, but not a man's life. remember, this Osbert, for if your elder brother Uhtred the Aetheling dies, you, son, will be the next ealdorman of Bebbanburg.' He then ordered my brother and fifty warriors to exit the castle and scout on the Danes and see where they land. 'You are to spy, and nothing more, Uhtred.'I heard him say. 'yes, father.' I was then take to Beocca, my father's priest. 'keep him busy, beocca. teach him his letters.' 'yes lord' oh, Beocca, he was a most kind soul, but he had an unbelieveable ugliness. his right hand was palsied, he squinted, and his eyes were a milky white. TBC

Ulf, the main problem here is that the writing is too fast-paced, making your story clustered and confusing. Setting first. Story second. Always make sure your audience (readers) understands what's going on.

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I suddenly realized now that someone is of my unaware playing my hand at chess.com - im really peee offed about this. Use facebook for logging in.

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I think you already did!

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You've done the website a favor.

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I see your metaphorical finger pointing at me!!

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Remember there are 3-4 fingers point in' right back at ya.

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I met Bobby Fischer, Boris Spassky, Capablanca, Alekhine, Kasparov, Anand, Karpov, Kramnik, Stienitz when time machine appeared in my backyard