Note: A lot of this stuff is exaggerated, ok? Also, I'm not being completely serious with some of this, but most is honest. Also, thank you so much for raising my view-to-point ratio. My view-to-point ratio is just bad. I need all the views per point I can get.

First of all, special thanks to

@PactOfCards,

Welcome, likeminded mortals. I am forever your mentor and whenever you are looking for advice, merely read my deep comments on the forums, and somewhere in my intelligence, I assure you, you will find the answer.

If you didn’t understand that, basically if you want to know more about me, read here. This is going to be pretty honest, and if you have a free 15 minutes (more or less,) then this is the thing to read. This is so long, I’ll make an entire table of contents lol. And I spedrun the “about me,” so I could have done better but I figure half of you quit already.

Things you need to know about me:

1. If I call you a pedestrian, it's an insult. (A joking one, so don't get too mad lol.)

2. I am chess.com's best philosopher.

3. I like correct grammar.

4. A good view-to-point ratio is how to show your dominance.

Now here's the table of contents:

Who am I?
Friends
What I am known for
Random thoughts and random things about me.
Story I wrote, and poem I wrote.

I figured I’d start with the most important and end with the least important.

First: Who am I?

Well, I am an active forumer. I am bad at chess (unless I’ve improved since I wrote this,) and I’m going to try to play more chess and get off the forums so much. I’m a kid, if you really want to find out my age you can dig around and find it, but I don’t want to straight-up tell you all.

What I want to do in life is be an author. I am great at writing (or, at the very least mediocre,) and I stole a sci-fi idea from my dad. I expanded on it and wrote half of the book, but I decided to redo it with a new name. I am trying my hardest to avoid clichés, trying to make it suspenseful but still paced well so it's not too fast, and I'm trying to rip myself away from chess.com to write it (but sadly for me and luckily from you, I can't.) It'll be a trilogy. I won't give away any details because, like, plagiarism.

I am very different from many chess.com forumers, as I don’t have a particular writing style, I write it all on threads. Pointless things. Pointful things. Random things. Then, occasionally something actually about chess.

I try to be respectful, but if you are being rude and trying to obliterate me (unjokingly,) then I will retaliate. Which brings me too:

I love arguing. Things that make sense, things that don’t make sense, and basically if I know enough to be able to make a case in the argument, likely I will get engaged and I will attempt to demolish you. I occasionally try to provoke an argument, but I don’t force it and if you don’t want to argue I won’t, though I may voice my opinions. All of this makes me controversial and I’m sure people hate me out there. I don’t really care if you do.

Another thing: My writing style/grammar is varying. I am sometimes writing like a 20 year-old, (many people think I’m older than I actually am,) sometimes I write like my age and occasionally I write below-my-age grammar, or I guess you say that’s when I write as most people text.

Ok, this is enough for now. I might add more later if inspiration strikes.

Friends:

These are the people who either wanted to be on my friends list, or we don’t have to ask each other if we are friends or not.

If you wanna be on my friends list, first of all I have to have

Known you existed before hand,
NOT beg like an insane person,
When we encounter each other on the forums, you can’t be weird.

This should be simple for you all.

B1ZMARK
Little_Guinea_Pig
Anonymous_Dragon
Itude.
UkrainianDude
Moonwarrior_1

The last friend goes into the next part of my “about me:”

What am I known for?

I am known for my nonsensical comments, for a short time I was known for arguing with that annoying “Jason Repa,” (came on many alts and tried to cyberbully everyone, but I wouldn’t let that happen.) He doesn't do this anymore though. I'm also known for splitting the community into pEdEsTrIaNs and cyclists. More on that later.

Let me devote a section to one of my friends, Itude. Itude is a controversial figure on chess.com. When I made my threads about Itude, many thought Itude was bad, many thought Itude was good. I, personally, didn't know them long enough (I’d seen them on the forums a few times, but only interacted the week of April 11th - April 17th 2021.)

They’ve been muted several times for what they thought were unfair reasons. (Again, everyone has conflicting opinions about whether they deserved it or not. I don’t have that much of an opinion, but for the week I knew them they seemed like a great person, so I guess that’s my opinion.) I’d only friended them for 2 days, and they trusted me enough to chat with me (among Anonymous_Dragon and maybe some others,) but for some reason they treated me like their best friend even though I barely knew them. I’m glad Itude trusted me to spread the word about them closing and leaving.

My personal goal in the chess.com forums is, (besides world domination of course,) is to learn, grow, and interact. I also joked once in my threads that I felt I would either unite the community… or divide it. For some bizarre reason, this seems to actually be the case, which is with what I call, the "cyclist/pedestrian revolution." It is my goal to separate the chess.com community into pEdEsTrIaNs and cyclists, it is my duty. If you want to help out team cyclists, join my club: https://www.chess.com/club/cyclists-of-jackroach

Don't join the pedestrians.

I'm also a superadmin on "Itude's Fan Club." If you like Itude, join. If not, don't join.

I'm admin on the club, "The Drivers," which is sort of a neutral club between the pEdEsTrIaNs and cyclists.

Random thoughts and random things about me:

JackRoach quotes:

“Sometimes, in life, the things that don’t make sense are the things that make the most sense of all,” JackRoach- sometime in 2020-2021.

“I always win arguments… well, 40% of the time.” JackRoach- sometime in 2021

"You are but a mere pedestrian, while I am a mighty cyclist." JackRoach- sometime in 2020

"If you are constantly contradicting yourself in an argument, then there's no way you can lose." -JackRoach April 22 2021

"I am not defined by my actions. I am defined by my definition." -JackRoach April 23 2021

"Chess is 99% blunders." -JackRoach 2020

"I refuse to be limited by other's imaginations." -JackRoach sometime 2021

"JackRoach: Failing humanity every step of the way." (My presidential campaign if I ever run) -JackRoach sometime February-April 2021

I have more, but I forgot some. If you see a quote by me you think I should add on here, then pm me and I might.

Also, if I’m gone for like, 3 weeks, don’t freak out. I’m an immortal, and immortals need breaks sometimes, so chill. Make sure you have a “welcome back!” gift for me… maybe, say, a free diamond membership for the rest of my life

Less than 20,000 points, but pretty much everyone knows me. I'm just too good.

I like trolling the trolls. Everyone wants them muted and banned, I want them to keep talking just so I can mess with their minds some more before they think about messing with me again on a different account.

You might not expect this from a person like me, but I am religious. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I know God and Jesus are real. I've had too many experiences to think otherwise. I never, ever, swear on chess.com. There are lots of people that seem to misevaluate us, so if you have questions you can PM me if you want.

Anyway, if you are interested in my highest-rated games I won, here they are. They’re not that good. If you wanna help me beat higher-rated players, maybe challenge me (in daily, I usually don’t have time for rapid unless I do.) And if you really want to help out, purposely lose to me (if you are a high rated player.)

Won on time for this one.

Getting better. Watching GothamChess. Now I won't tilt... hopefully.

People I have adopted: N/A

People who have adopted me:

@ChessDude009 in 1 minute bullet. Which I absolutely loath.

If you want to adopt me, just challenge me in either daily (more than 1 day) or maybe bullet, but I’m warning I’m bad at bullet and 90% of the time I probably won’t be able to.

People who have tried to adopt me:

MoonWarrior_1 won 3 games in 30 second before I won a game.

Once I get to 1500-1600, I hope I will gain more respect. Because right now, I am a complete and utter patzer.

I like to utterly bewilder my friends and enemies. I like to complicate simple things and propose new, wrong ideas and manipulate until I am right.

Bongcloud Story!!!!!!

In a small, timeless, idyllic town there was a small community chess club. Most days, for a few hours, the chess club met in the old meeting room with a cozy fireplace and many chess boards and pieces of different sizes, shapes, and colors. A man named Bob ran the club, teaching the members and helping them with positions and openings. The average chess rating was around 1500, and almost everyone hadn’t been to a tournament before, except for Bob. Bob was so close to becoming a Candidate Master, he just needed to place around the top 3 in the upcoming tournament.

After the chess meeting of the day, Bob went around putting all of the pieces back; he was left this job because he claimed he liked looking at the chess positions. Wild, attacking games were what everyone liked to play, except Bob who had varied style. Most games featured sharp Sicilian games, King’s Gambit games, and pretty much anything that was unsound and/or fun. The Queen’s Pawn Opening, and pretty much any other opening than e4 was considered “dry,” and just not played because no one wanted to grind through a game for 100 moves.

After Bob placed all of the pieces back into their positions and shut the door, the pieces came to life, dancing, partying, and doing whatever they wanted now that the humans weren’t handling them. They were afraid if they came to life when the humans were there, they would scare the humans to not play chess with them anymore. The horsies (they refused to be recognized as “knights” with other pieces) whinnied with pleasure taking pieces on wild rides on the boards. The queens were pompous and saw all others as inferior, as almost all games had them as the major attacker. The pawns were slightly inferior to the other pieces, but they reminded the others that they could become queens and they were the “soul of chess.” The bishops laughed along with the others, but mostly argued philosophically and theoretically amongst themselves about which of their religions was the correct one. The rooks zoomed around the corners at lightning speed, boasting that they were "major" pieces.

But the kings, the kings never attacked. Ever. The only reason someone picked them up was to tuck them away safely in the corner, forgotten until they were under attack. They knew the humans saw them as damsels in distress. The kings couldn’t compare with their chess stories, because they had none. Because sitting there waiting to be mated wasn’t something that others thought was entertaining. That night, the kings had a plan. They would hide until the humans showed up, the humans wouldn’t be able to play chess. And, if the worst came to the worst, if the humans decided to play some warped “kingless chess,” then the kings would speak out. Then they would talk, they would get heard.

The next morning, Bob came in to study some openings with a book he had. To his surprise, the kings were gone! Bob looked around until he opened a drawer where all of the kings were crowded. “Hmmm…” hummed Bob as he examined the kings, “Maybe a dumb prank,” he decided, and put the kings in their rightful spots.

The kings did not like this, they would just get found and put back, it would seem like an Elf on the Shelf prank, they would laugh about it and play chess. One brave king, Sir Reginald Archibald Benidict III, who had been in the club for generations, spoke out. “Bob, the kings would like to declare that we are officially boycotting this club unless we get our own opening!” Bob dropped his knight (that was actually a horsie) and looked around, startled. He looked at the white king in front, it was talking to him! “Umm… who are you? Are you a robot?” Sir Reginald Archibald Benidict III was angry. “I am not a Ro Bat! My name is Sir Reginald Archibald Benidict III, and after a century of silence we need to talk to you. These non-king knaves need to humble themselves, we are the superior! We need to attack! We need to fight the enemy, face to face, alongside our other brave pieces!” Sir Reginald Archibald Benidict III motioned to the other pieces on the board, who suddenly snapped to life.

“You are but mere Pedestrians,” argued the white king’s own bishop, “While we are like cyclists!” The other pieces nodded, baffled, but supposed the bishop was right. The black king walked toward the white king, who was still on the edge of the chess table. “This king is right,” argued the black king as he advanced toward e2, “We need to, oops.” The king was walking steadily toward e2 so he could stand with Sir Reginald Archibald Benidict III, but he bounced back all the way to e6.

Bob was staring transfixed at the scene, until he suddenly snapped to attention. “Ok, I get it. You guys were slightly overpriced, I’m guessing you are all secretly robots or something. That is the only way you guys can be talking. But please do not talk to the other people that come in here, because they might steal you.” Bob seemed to be struggling to understand, and just decided to go with it. What else could he do? Bob stared at the kings for a moment, “I will invent a new opening just for you, play it at the tournament, and hope it gets popular. Other than that, there isn’t much else I can do.” The kings looked at each other, “Ok,” they finally said. “We have a great opening name, and we need to bestow the title upon you.” “What do you mean?” Asked Bob. The kings motioned for him to come over. The two kings gathered together all of the other kings to their board, and they all closed their eyes and chanted, “You, Bob, are now Bongcloud Bob. In order to deserve this name, you need to play and popularize the moves 1. e4, e5 2. Ke2 and name it the Bongcloud opening.” The kings stopped their chanting and looked at Bongcloud Bob. “Ok,” said Bongcloud Bob, “I guess I better go to my tournament now. I will move the king within the first 2 moves in all of my games. Ok? The kings nodded their approval.

In the bustling tournament hall, Bongcloud Bob found he was paired with a Fide Master. This was not going to earn him rating points, but he had a weapon. The Bongcloud. Bob was white, and moved e4. The Fide Master moved e5. Bongcloud Bob moved his king to e2. The master stared at the king for minutes, until he made the move Nf6. Bob had to protect the pawn, and what other piece to protect it but the king? So Ke3. The Fide Master got frustrated, wasn’t it a known rule not to move the king in the opening? But he’d never heard this before. Was this a troll, or was it a novelty? The Fide Master threw everything he had at the king, hoping to win faster than Paul Morphy did in the Opera house game. But in the end, all of Black’s pieces were gobbled up by his king. The Fide Master resigned after only 20 moves.

The next game was the same result. And the next, and the next. Bongcloud Bob was the 1st place winner, and got his CM title. A month later, he also had a GM title, because of the OPness of the Bongcloud, and was close to becoming world champion, but the current chess champion started playing the Bongcloud and won almost all the time with it.

Ok, here's a poem. It reveals a lot about me.

As I am the complete and utter opposite of mediocre, I wish to be average.

Oh to be a mortal, to achieve that menacingly mortal degree of meddlesome mediocreness.

To be inferior, to be able to instantly illogically illogic my way to the middle.

If I am to achieve this goal, I must gallantly gallop backwards quickly and silently

To myself years ago, and downgrade, disown, and deliberately destroy and diligently demolish

Myself to the center, until I am the absolute central core and have achieved the goal of normalness.

Sadly, I may not, cannot, blind myself to learning and I cannot happily and faithfully forget everything like a true, tired mortal.

I must courageously carry the bindsome burden of retaining information, not relinquishing

My grips on knowledge and life.

Oh to be a mortal, where I would journey through ignorance and isolation to

intricately integrate a wide arsenal or array of

redundancy, and I would be forced to illogically and intentionally create repetitive and required

redundant redundancies to shorten already easy,

but somehow seemingly troublesome tasks.

A mortal.

Where I will never be looked up to,

Where I will never be quoted,

Where I can sink into the depths of life, pretending to be slightly slinkying

Into presumed popularity, but to be persecuted into being potentially and possibly being put down

between greatness and insignificance sometime in life.

Where I must be a regular citizen.

Where I may never exceed or fail

Where I know I won’t be remembered in history.

(If you didn't understand the poem, put it in Stockfish and analyze.)

Ok, one last thing. I’ve seen people put this on their profiles and I agree with it, so here it is:

Bᴜʟʟʏɪɴɢ? Tʜɪɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ sᴏ ᴄᴏᴏʟ? -Tʜᴇ ɢɪʀʟ ʏᴏᴜ ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴄᴀʟʟᴇᴅ ғᴀᴛ?... Sʜᴇ ɪs ᴏɴ A Diet. -Tʜᴇ ɢɪRʟ ʏᴏᴜ ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴄᴀʟʟᴇᴅ ᴜɢʟʏ?... Sʜᴇ sᴘᴇɴᴅs ʜᴏᴜʀs ᴘᴜᴛᴛɪɴɢ ᴍᴀᴋᴇᴜᴘ ᴏɴ ʜᴏᴘɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ʟɪᴋᴇ ʜᴇʀ. -Tʜᴇ ʙᴏʏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛrɪpped? Hᴇ ɪs ᴀʙᴜsᴇᴅ ᴇɴᴏᴜɢʜ ᴀᴛ ʜᴏᴍᴇ. - Sᴇᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴍᴀɴ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜᴇ ᴜɢʟʏ sᴄᴀʀs?... Hᴇ ғᴏᴜɢʜᴛ ғᴏʀ ʜɪs ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛʀʏ. - Tʜᴀᴛ ɢᴜʏ ʏoᴜ ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ғᴜɴ ᴏғ ғᴏʀ ᴄʀʏɪɴɢ?... Hɪs ᴍᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ɪs ᴅʏɪɴɢ. - Tʜᴀᴛ ᴋɪᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ғᴜɴ ᴏғ ғᴏʀ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ʙᴀʟᴅ?...Hᴇ ʜᴀs ᴄᴀɴᴄᴇʀ. - Pᴜᴛ ᴛʜɪs ɪn your profile ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ᴀɢᴀɪɴsᴛ ʙᴜʟʟʏɪɴɢ. I ʙᴇᴛ ᴍᴏsᴛ ᴏғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴏɴ'ᴛ ʀᴇ-ᴘᴏsᴛ , ʙᴜᴛ I'ᴍ sᴜʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴀ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ ᴡill.

(Note to self: 469, 22, 176)