BERKELEY, CA - The Berkeley Board of Education voted last night to ban the game of Chess from all of its elementary, junior high and high schools. The board claims that Chess has a negative influence on students because of the backwards and outdated thinking that was responsible for creating the game.

One board member, Claudia Starsniffer, compiled a list of seven grievances against Chess. Starsniffer's list claims,

Chess is irrelevant to our society because it was created by dead white guys.
Chess encourages racism by having a 'war' between a white army and a black army.
Chess reinforces current racist tendencies in our society by always having the white army move first.
Chess glorifies war.
Chess oppressively reinforces heterosexual stereotypes. It does this by forcing each army to have a king and a queen and by not allowing the game to be played with either two kings or two queens.
Chess is guilty of breaking the separation of church and state by allowing a bishop to be a belligerent in war.
Chess destroys self-esteem. When children play the game, one always loses. Losing causes a child to feel dumb and inadequate.

Said Starsniffer, "There is no place in our society for a monstrous game like Chess. Chess is dangerous. Chess is destructive. Chess teaches racial and sexual oppression. Chess has got to go!

Stanney Boys

Super Admins