Living With Firstitis - Stories From The First Page

Caractacus Johnson was a normal 21 year old in the prime of life, and with a bright future ahead of him, when he was struck down with firstitis after a night out.  Our First Aid reporter met up with him to talk about that fateful night and how he has learned to live with the condition.

FA : Caractacus, thank you for agreeing to talk to us today.  Maybe you can start by telling us when you first noticed the symptoms of firstitis.

CJ : It all feels like such a long time ago, although it has only been 542 firsts, or about 18 months in your terms.  I had been out with some friends around a few pubs in town, as I used to a lot in those days.  I was very popular back then, and was always out at parties, in bars and clubs, generally socialising whenever I could.  I was drinking with an old mate from football into the early hours of the morning, and I vaguely remember him telling me about chess.com and some of the WGMs on there - I spent six months in Russia in my college days and met more than a few chess hotties, and he knew I'd be interested.  Anyway, after I left him, I stumbled into my house at about seven in the morning, still drunk, and decided to have a look.  By the time I'd opened up a tin of beans and a can of lager, turned my laptop on and somehow managed to register, it was coming up to eight.  The first thing I saw was the daily puzzle, and I clicked on it without thinking.  I had no idea what it was about.  I was never a great player, and it didn't help that I had about a litre of vodka inside me.  However, something struck me.  I remember it vividly, even through the drunken haze.  I could pretend that I'd solved the puzzle, post something to that effect, and nobody would be any the wiser.  I think I'd intended to put something suitably intelligent but vague to indicate that I was the first one to crack it, but all I could manage in my stupor was the word "first".  I must have passed out then, because the next thing I knew, it was 12.30.  I thought nothing of it, and after grabbing a shower, I went to bed.

FA : So that was the moment, and you've been doing it ever since?

CJ : Haha - no, it wasn't quite as straightforward as that.  I went to bed, and slept through the whole day and most of that night.  I get the weirdest dreams when I've been drinking, especially when my hangover kicks in during my sleep.  I dreamed that I was a giant bishop on some sort of giant chess board, and my worst uncle was dressed as a pawn - I don't know how, quite, but he was dressed as a pawn.  Anyway, he was dressed as a pawn, and there were other people there.  Louis Walsh, I think, from X Factor, and also Jane Sixsmith, the ginger hockey player from the 80s and early 90s who was always on A Question Of Sport.  Anyway, I don't think that's relevant.  Anyway, there were others there, and I was just laughing maniacally, or as a giant bishop would laugh if it was me, and saying "first" over and over.  I got up about 7.30 in the end, and was having a coffee in my pants when I got a strange urge to turn my laptop on.  And there it was.  My name, and the word "first".  What I felt then I can only describe as exhilaration.  I guess that's the moment it really started.  I felt so good.  I cried like a baby, but a baby watching a sports highlights package set to Coldplay, maybe one with the clip of Ivanisevic winning Wimbledon, or something.  I was so happy.  I knew what I had to do.  I had to do the same again for the next puzzle.  Imagine my joy when I discovered that it was due in just three minutes.  I don't think I breathed in that time.  After what felt like forever, and after so many page refreshes that my F5 key was already starting to stick, there it was.  I immediately typed "first - easy!", and clicked Submit.  What happened next made me physically sick and changed my life forever.

FA : Go on.

CJ : I was second.

FA : Not first?

CJ : No.  Second.  It said "first" next to my name, but I was second.  Someone had beaten me to it.  Someone who hadn't wasted time writing "easy".  Someone faster than me.  Someone firster than me...

FA : How did that make you feel?

CJ : Well, let's just put it this way.  I broke my hand punching a wall and spent the rest of the day sobbing.  And that was the best part.

FA : What happened after that?

CJ : After that?  Haha.  After that?  Nothing.  Nothing at all. I have been first in 80% of daily puzzles since, and never not on the first page, even on the day where I got a phone call at 07.59 telling me that my cat had been found dead under a car.  I know nothing else.  It has become everything I am.

FA : When were you formally diagnosed with firstitis?

CJ : About 13 firsts in, I went to the doctor with a mild case of syphillis, and he took some blood.  A few firsts later, he called me to say that traces of firstitis had been found.  I went in to see him immediately, and he explained that there was no known treatment, and that I would just have to adjust my life to work around the illness.

FA : How have your friends and family coped with your condition?

CJ : I have no friends.  Not any more.  My cat was my only family, and he died under a Ford Focus while I was pressing F5...

FA : Caractacus, it's clearly upsetting to you to talk about this, but thank you for giving us an insight into the reality of firstitis.  Has anything positive come from your experience?

CJ : Well, I don't need an alarm clock any more - I wake up at 7.52 every day without fail, so I was able to sell the clock to pay for the cat's funeral.

FA : Finally, what message would you send to fellow firstitis sufferers?

CJ : Just one thing.... first!