How to Annoy Your Opponent

It was my ex-coach Bill Lombardy who said, "In chess, winning isn't everything. It is the only thing!" As you know, chessplayers can't stand losing a game of chess. Therefore, it is quite necessary to know how to win easily without just mastering the difficult task of playing good chess. The art of annoying your opponent is a must for those who do not have the time nor patience of playing master chess. And that's most of us.

The easiest and most common form of annoying your opponent is talking (or loud whisper). There are several methods that can be adopted to disturb your opponent so as to distract him from making a good move. One method is to talk directly to your opponent, pointing out his bad moves and letting him know his position is hopeless. By the time he complains to the tournament director, his position will be hopeless. And, of course, you deny ever talking to him. Tell the tournament director it was him doing all the talking.

If your opponent is about to make a good move despite your efforts to talk to him directly, then yell out "touch move" or "J'adoube" just before he moves his piece. Of course he will deny ever touching anything. An argument will result, upsetting your opponent so much that he will have forgotten his original plan or think the almost touched piece was a losing move and make a weaker move instead.

Another effective method is to talk to spectators about your opponent and perhaps start ugly rumors about him ("He has AIDS. He voted for Clinton. He loves George Bush"). People will soon be staring at your opponent, will start to snicker and point at him. This will make your opponent very uncomfortable and will take his mind off of chess. If that doesn't work, discuss your opponent's playing ability or talk about his hygiene habits or how he dresses funny. This will draw your opponent into the discussion with an argument and he will have forgotten all about his game.

Another common method is to talk to yourself. Talking to God (or Allah) or praying out loud are other variations. Mumbling and even laughing at your opponent's moves and getting friends to laugh, also, will surely distract him from making strong moves.

Other methods of disturbances are to cough, sneeze, and blow your nose loudly during the game. Spread lots of germs and let your opponent know that you may have some awful disease. If he thinks your disease is contagious, he will leave the board often, unable to concentrate on the game. Have lots of used tissue paper from blowing your nose on your side of the board.

If your opponent is slow in moving, drum and tap your fingers on the table. Act very impatient. You should heave a sigh, then yawn; look at the chess clock or your watch often; and finally, groan. Your opponent will be induced to make hasty moves so as not to appear a slowpoke.

When you exchange pieces, always put one of your opponent's pawn or piece on your lap or hidden in your other hand. If your opponent likes to compare the pieces that have been exchanged, he will think he is winning and ease up a bit. If you are a piece up, roll the extra piece in your hands or toss it up in the air a few times. Let your opponent know he is an exchange down and there is no hope for him. Find an extra queen from another board and have it nearby, indicating you may soon queen a pawn.

For the musically inclined, humming is a favorite nuisance. Aggressive players can go into a full song accompanied by the gestures of a conductor. Bringing a radio or iPod along and occasionally turning it on during critical times of the game works. If your opponent is a sports fan, tune in to some important sports event.   With the iPod, your opponent may may think you are getting moves from a computer.

When smoking is allowed, it is best to get the foulest, blackest cigars or pipes. A lot of smoke towards your opponent not only obscures the position of the board, but causes your opponent to choke and become blind from the smoke in his eyes.

A method popular among grandmasters for annoying an opponent is to stare directly and deliberately at your opponent. Let your opponent know he is being watched and stared at. Of course, if your opponent starts staring back at you during your move, carry a pair of sunglasses with you and slip them on. The mirror reflection type is best just in case your opponent or his guru is trying to hypnotize you.

When you think you have a good position, rock your chair back and forth, smile victoriously, and let everyone know you have a won position. Your opponent will lose that much more quickly even if he doesn't see any threat.

With the help of a friend, you can plan on taking pictures of the game. Make sure a bright flash can be produced. Just before your opponent reaches to make a move, your friend flashes the camera and blinds your opponent temporarily. He then touches the wrong piece which he must move as there are not only witnesses but a picture of it with a second snapshot.

If you are so lucky, have a big-breasted gorgeous blonde sit by you or on your lap. He won't be concentrating on mating with his chess pieces for long. It helps if she has lots of perfume, wears tight clothes, and leans over the board alot.

There is just one more kind of annoyance worth mentioning. Of all the annoyances to an opponent you can make, this is the most devestating of all. Although it is very infrequent in occurrence and almost entirely accidental, it is the most annoying and upsetting disturbance known to chess. It is called making a strong move!

Note:  This article is supposed to by humor.  Except for the last item, don't really do any of these things to annoy your opponent.