The Chess Addict

Ok, I admit it. I am a chess addict. I have played thousands of games over 38 years.  I've probably played over 10,000 games on the Internet. I have over 2,000 chess books and magazines. I can't possibly read them all. I have millions of games on DVD, CD, thumb drives, Zip drives, 3.5 inch diskettes, and 5 1/4 inch diskettes. I can't possibly play them all. I have all the chess programs and all the databases. I have the latest ChessBase and NICBase and Chess Assistant and Bookup and Fritz 10 and GNU and TascBase and others, but am playing so much on the Internet or at clubs, I don't have the time to look at them. My games are in PGN, CBF, CBH, CBV, TXT, ZIP, DOC, PDF, RTF, XML, etc. And I have written dozens of chess books and hundreds of chess articles. And I haven't run out of ideas yet. I have organized dozens of events, been involved in chess politics at all levels, and have won my fair share of tournaments. I have my own chess web site with hundreds of links and dozens of chess trivia articles. I guess I am a hopeless chess addict. My wife tries to break me of it with cards or sports or TV or movies or sex or seeing relatives, but nothing works to cure me. I have withdrawal pains if I don't play a game after a few days. I am on the computer playing chess or at the local chess club or looking at some postal game all the time. Don't let this happen to you. Identify the signs early.

You know you are a chess addict if:

you bump into someone or something and say "J'adoube"   you set up a chess set with salt and pepper shakers and food items when you sit at a checkered tablecloth in a restaurant   you calculate 8x8 faster than 7x7   you have more chess clocks than watches   you buy the biggest, fastest, most expensive computer just to play chess on it or use it as a database   mate, mating positions, exposed bishops, and forking the queen have nothing to do with sex   you take a chess set and book to the bathroom, and forget to go to the bathroom   you meet someone, your first question is, "What's your rating?"   every week you downloaded every chess game from every chess site on the Internet   you buy a newspaper only if it has a chess column in it   you still think Bobby Fischer is a hero, despite his radio interviews and his 9/11 comments and his arrest, who will come back the the U.S. from Iceland and take on the rest of the world again (or play Spassky one more time)   you have more chess books than any other book or magazine combined   the Olympics are every two years (wait, they really are now)   you spot the chessboard set up wrong in every movie or tv program with a chess scene   you who know exactly what James Bond movie has a chess scene in it   you name any of your pets Fischer, Tal, Karpov, Kasparov, Fritz, Chess (not Checkers) or Alekhine   your favorite movie is "Searching for Bobby Fischer" or "The Luzhin Defense"   you have checkered underwear with "It's your move" on the front   you have fantasies of mating one of the Polgar sisters or (that's checkmating)   have a crush on Irina Krush   your favorite snack is Pepperidge Farm's Chessmen cookies   you have the 2007 International Chess Calendar hanging up in front of you with your name on one of the calendar dates   you have the "Chessplayers make better mates" bumper sticker on your car or briefcase   you know what BCO, ECO, MCO, NCO, PCO all mean and have all these books   you ask a girl if she plays chess before you ask her out for a date   you end your letters and email with "P.S. 1.P-K4 (or 1.e4)" hoping to start a game   you drop everything and quickly spin around if you hear someone say, "Hi, Bobby" at a chess tournament   you take a test, and 5 minutes before you run out of time, you mentally tell yourself that your flag is about to fall   you have your name on a brick in front of the Chess Hall of Fame in Miami   you go to any Barnes & Noble in the world and know exactly where all the chess books are located, then go home and compare the chess book prices on Amazon and eBay, then get the cheapest ones   you reply to messages found on rec.games.chess or chess.com   you post new messages looking for your only friends on rec.games.chess or chess.com   when the cashier says, "Check?" you wink and say "mate"   you have a chess logo on your letterhead or shirt   you try to play cards blindfolded  

     . you want the child's nursery to have black and white tiled squares

 

• uses chessboard cufflinks and tie clips and wear a chess tie to church

   

• only time voted was in the USCF election

   

• has a chess mug for coffee

   

• a Bishop scandal is someone who puts his Bishop on the wrong colored diagonal

   

• fantasizes of also beating Mr Spock in 3-D chess

   

• still thinks Kasparov is world champion and has always been world champion since beating Karpov in 1985

   

• going to a chess tournament and can't wait in saying "Look at those chess nuts boasting by an open foyer."

   

• looks for three other friends to play bug-house

   

• have used any of these aliases while on the Internet: Buttvinik, Caissa, Gata, Bobby Fischer, IvanCheck, Polgar, Jadoube, Kapablanca, KnightStalker, KibitzandBlitz, KnightRider, Pawnographer, Philidork, Queenforker, Rookie Player, Roy Lopez, TarraschCan, Zukertort, KillerMate

   

• you have played the ghost of Geza Maroczy

   

• you own a Harry Potter, Star Trek, or Civil War chess set

   

• you played in chess tournaments all year long and have almost made $100 (but you spent $2,000 earning that)

   

• you have read all of this.