Who Would Win A Real PRO Chess League Fight?
32 mascots enter, but only one survives.

Who Would Win A Real PRO Chess League Fight?

pete
pete
Jan 31, 2018, 12:00 AM |
47 | Fun & Trivia

The PRO Chess League kicks off an exciting week three today, as Magnus Carlsen, Fabiano Caruana, and more of the world's best players will do battle on the chessboard. 

You can watch the actual competition live and on demand at Twitch.tv/ProChessLeague.

But what if the fights were not confined to the civilized game of kings and instead were an all-out royal rumble between the 32 teams' nicknames?

Who would come out on top?

king on top of chess pieces

In true /r/whowouldwin style, here are the seven most powerful PRO Chess League team nicknames, the ones increasingly likely to beat everyone else in this fictional warfare.

Sorry, Reykjavik Puffins—you are cute but you didn't make the cut.

Reykjavik Puffins

Let us know in the comments which team nicknames and mascots you think would win a battle royale in the PRO Chess League cage fight.

Visit the official PRO website for a full list of the 32 teams and nicknames. 

7. Minnesota Blizzard

Minnesota Blizzard

Snow might look fluffy and pretty, but a blizzard can disable an entire region. A Wired article claimed it would take 7.4 million horsepower to clear Washington, DC of a single 2016 snowstorm.

Add in the furious wind, low visibility, and empty supermarket shelves, and you'll realize a blizzard is serious business.

6. Delhi Dynamite

Delhi Dynamite

Dynamite revolutionized warfare by making it safer for armies to blow things up. Its inventor, Alfred Nobel, believed his exploding powder would deter war sheerly by its terrible power.

"As soon as men will find that in one instant, whole armies can be utterly destroyed, they surely will abide by golden peace," said Nobel. 

This prediction did not age well as the entire continent of Europe was soon plunged into two explosive world wars. The lesson: dynamite is dangerous. 

5. Norway Gnomes

Norway Gnomes

These little spirits can do more than get you good travel deals or collect underpants for profit.

underpants gnomes

South Park image via Wordpress. 

There's a reason people use gnomes to guard their gardens. According to legend, gnomes move through solid earth as easily as fish move through water, and some mythologies have gnomes spontaneously evolving life from their mechanical origins. Those are some big abilities for these little gnomes. 

4. Oslo Trolls

Oslo Trolls

Another caste of underground magical characters, trolls are fearsome Scandinavian monsters who devour any human unlucky enough to stumble into their caves.

The trolls' only weakness? Direct sunlight, which turns them into stone—giving them a lot in common with the modern online gamer.

3. Buenos Aires Krakens

Buenos Aires Krakens

According to Wikipedia, the definitive authority on mythical sea monsters, krakens patrol the northern Atlantic seas and can grow to a staggering 50 feet in length.

These beasts could snap a ship in half like a toothpick, and several legends of the sea attribute missing vessels as lost to the fury of krakens. If our battle royale contains any water at all, the Krakens are big favorites. 

2. Dallas Destiny

Dallas Destiny

Many of the team nicknames in this competition are fierce animals or mythical creatures, but how can anything fight fate itself?

Ranking the concept of destiny on a power scale dives too far into philosophy for a chess site, but it's the basic question of the human condition: how much control do we have over our own lives?

If destiny is real, there is no stopping it: our futures will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our deterministic overlords. 

1. Riga Magicians

Riga Magicians

In serious "who would win" discussions, a lot of weight is given both to abilities and "feats," or accomplishments, even if they are fictional. And it's in that category where the Magicians separate from the pack. Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones—our popular culture is full of magic and the wizards who practice it with endless power and possibility. 

Few PRO Chess League mascots could hope to match the Magicians here, as the wizards could bend matter to their will and almost certainly best any other team nickname in a fight.

Which team mascot do you think would win?

Check out all 32 teams, then make your case in the comments section. 

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