I like it but I think there should have been a transition between Jeckyl getting angry and her going to her room. Like maybe she passed out, and they carried her.
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I thought that was obvious
Apr 20, 2022
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#4
Obvious or not, it makes the story better adding the transition. Or make a new paragraph. Ending the first one with her passing out and then beginning the next one with her saying what she said. It is good but I am just giving you tips. I have done several stories before so I just wanted to share some things I have learned.
I KNOW
Dad: What is in her? Oh no.
Jeckyl: What dad? (Tons of thoughts were running through my head and they wouldn't stop. I grabbed my head in pain)Ow!
Lydia: It is starting. Hide! Now! Go! Jeckyl calm down think of your friends.
Jeckyl: What is happening?!?!?! It hurts! Help me please! Make it stop!
Lydia: This is something you are gonna have to go through on your own sweetheart!
Dad: What is going to happen to her if the Killers Blood takes over?
Lydia: She will have to be chained up until the Killers Blood stops running.
Jeckyl: (I took a deep breath and looked at my dad. He was terrified. He wasn't scared of anything ever.) Why is this happening to me!?!?!
(As the time passed i started feeling less and less angry)
Lydia: You okay in there sweetheart? I didn't hear anything so I came to ask.
Jeckyl: I don't know yet but just to be safe don't come in.
(I peeked through the crack in my door and looked at my dad. He had a worried face on, he only ever had a worried face when he thinks something bad is about to happen.