The kernal for a good story is there...I'm a bit lost at first and had some trouble with the tenses and rythym in your sentences.
Let me ponder a bit more so I can give you constructive comments.
It will lie mostly in technique and craft: you have imagination and vision figured out :)
Cap
I agree with the previous comment and think that you should expand on the theme. Take the ball and run. I can't wait to see where it leads!
Take the ball and run.
That may be the most disturbing thing I have ever saw.
I do suggest some improvements on spelling and the occasional grammatical fix in certain places (I know you'll find them! ;D) - unless an intentional misspelling contributes to the meaning of the story (which would be very intriguing!)
Oh boy, Doc, do not go there.
We're beating that dead horse in another corral.
I do suggest some improvements on spelling and the occasional grammatical fix in certain places (I know you'll find them! ;D) - unless an intentional misspelling contributes to the meaning of the story (which would be very intriguing!)
Well, besides that the coal-man was a tourtured soul from Hell, and had gotten to Heaven at the end. There was not that many allusions, I made this in about thirty minutes. As for grammar portion;I'm trying to add more gerunds and participles or things along those lines.
Please note, that I am in 9th grade; so grammar is not normally as good as full time writers are accepting, or any adult for that matter.
A black tree stands out in the setting sun. A flash later a blaze erupted on the base of the lone tree. A man slowly enters the embers dieing wishes. With a swift slash with his left hand the embers are frozen on the spot. A man on a horse slowly approaches the figure from the behind; his pitch black cloak nipping at the toes of the boots and covered his godly blue eyes.
"I see this act has awaken the environmentalist inside you, correct Philip?" said the man while slowly turning to face the man- Philip.
"I simply do not understand why living things must die for our own amusement, Jacob"
"Fool!" Jacob spits, "Do you truly believe that this is for my own amusement? Seeing another life sapped back to hell?"
After a brief pause "Yes" Philup says slowly and quietly, as if to ward off the evil at hand.
"Must I show you everything!?" With that Jacob turns to the frozenashes. He puts both of his hands togher as if to pray, mutters some unreconizabe words, and jams hes left hand contacting the ground and sends blue electrisity across the ground. When the blue electricity hits the frozen coals something inhuman happens, the bits of ice fall off and the ashes connect togher defying all laws of physics and slowly from facial features of a human. As the last bits of coal fit togher a bright flash of lightning shakes the ground and unlike natural lightning this appeared out of the ground itself, and was blue. The blue snaked around the humanoid and disappeared. Seconds passed by.
Suddenly the figure screamed something ungodly and fell to the ground. It squirmed and continued to scream. As soon as Philip saw what happened he quickly flashed off his hood and landed on top of the squirming "man". A thin stream of blood appeared below his ear. Philip stared deep into the mans soul, seeing the horror he had gone through, and released his tortured soul, a thin blue wisp formed in his eyes and floated towards the sunset. As the wisp disappeared from view the sun set, enveloping the scene in darkness.
And that's it, I personally like how it turned out. My favorite part is the ending.
Questions? Comment? Creative comments?