Beat your opponents with the fierce dogcloud attack!

For many years I have stayed up late at night perfecting this opening. After carefully calculating all of the lines I have deemed this opening irrefutable. While your opponent develops his minor pieces without a care in the world. You will unleash a devastating attack early on with your major pieces. According to grandmasters, you develop your minor pieces first and get your major pieces in the game after castling. This is all lies, and a coverup so beginners never improve. And you may say "But Lazydog, the grandmasters do it in their games!" But you would be wrong. The grandmaster games you see on TV are all staged. They already know how the game is going to go. The REAL games played show a different plan. Just look at this game between Bobby Fischer and Garry Kasparov that was never published!

After you see the theory behind my Dogcloud attack, I guarantee that you will win 99% of chess games against measly opponents who follow mainstream chess. You will become a grandmaster in no time and prove the haters wrong! There are 4 variations I will show you. The dogcloud gambit, the kings dogcloud, the queens dogcloud, and the double dogcloud (only competitive line). 

The dogcloud gambit

This is a variation of the queens dogcloud where white will play Rook h3 before playing f3 and g4. This "sacrifices" an exchange but gives white a crushing attack. Notice how the engine gives black a winning advantage? Well the engine is a mass tool of deception made by the grandmasters trying to spread fake principles. If you were to take an honest look, white is easily winning. 

The queens dogcloud: Normal variation

I find this less challenging than the dogcloud gambit. But it's still a good choice to gain lots of space on the kingside and deliver a checkmating attack. We see again how the major pieces absolutely overpower the minor pieces. This is the secret to improvement folks, it's here, not some GM impostor spreading misinformation.

The kings dogcloud

I find this opening gives white an active rook. Therefore I am mostly pleased to see this on the board. Unlike the queens dogcloud, where black tries to limit white's major piece play. The kings dogcloud allows white to be very comfortable and not push for any pawn breaks. 

The double dogcloud: Very drawish

If you ever encounter this, your opponent must be enlightened to the secrets of real chess too. You could have an active game where your major pieces clash. But I simply recommend you repeat until you grasp where you want to put your major pieces outside of my advice. I've had many games that have gone like this in the double dogcloud

I hope you enjoyed my post. With this opening, you should be able to win many more chess games to come. Peace, @LazyDog24. 

Wow.

I think "Only move your minor pieces if they're helping out the major pieces" is the quote of the century 

now THIS is how we play chess

Brilliant!

This game proves the absolute brilliance of the Dogcloud Attack. 

lol

That game brought tears to my eyes. I want that game to become as famous as the opera house game and others like it, but I know the mainstream chess overlords would never allow it

Yes, if only these people weren't so ignorant, they would realize that all known chess strategy and theory, from the era of chaturanga to the modern-day, is inferior to the ingenious Dogcloud Attack.

stunning find

even stockfish doesn't seem to realize just how mind-blowing the dogcloud gambit is

Excellent, high class, riveting, brilliant!