Brains, Broccoli, and Catfood

Everywhere one goes, all these annoying ads for cellphone and wireless radiation and their damages towards human brains are unavoidable.  However, the wiser ones of the wireless age may ask these questions.  How does cellphone usage cause brain cancer?  Can I still freely use my cellphone and somehow block this harmful radiation?  In this chapter, you will see these two questions as well as other questions pertaining to this matter, answered.

We shall start by examining the human brain.  Some speculate that this brain is composed solely of gray matter, other believe it is made of cheese.  Regardless, it is known that electrical signals are able to pass through it freely.  Now, cellphones typically use a frequency of 10^7 Hz.  Their wave length is just under 30 meters.

Now, as some of our biologists know, cancer is caused by cell multiplication faster than America's national debt is rising.  This, is caused by short telomeres.  Now, how does someone go about obtaining these short telomeres?  Simple.  Wait.  As cells multiply, DNA pieces are cut off and the DNA gets shorter.  As this happens, if the DNA strand gets too small, the cell is unable to sustain life and dies.  So, you're thinking, "Simple.  Just wait for the DNA to get small and all the cancer cells die."  Well, there's one minor problem.  See, we have this chemical in our bodies called telomerase.  It pretty much adds stuff to the end of the DNA piece.  So it doesn't get shortened.  And cancer continues to kill you.  So now you ask, what does this have to do with cellphones?"  Well, apparently, some scientist who looked at cell phone radiation and DNA got the idea that radiation from a cellphone could knock out some DNA pieces and shorten them to cause cancer.  But it's pretty obvious that the wavelength is much too high for a photon to knock out a DNA piece.  Well there's a small chance.  But you'd first die from texting while driving or get hit at a crosswalk while not paying attention to traffic.  No, cell phone usage does not cause cancer.

Hooray, cell phone usage has nothing to do with cancer!  Hallelujah!  I can use two cell phones at once and not get cancer.  Hell, I'll sit in the center of a circle of 10 laptop computers with a wireless router on my head!  Actually, although you won't get cancer from it, those who abuse radiation and come in contact with it too much will suffer a fate far worse than cancer.  As these foot long wavelength waves bombard your brain, they are spaced too far apart to affect something on such a small scale as a brain.  What it does effect, is the folds on your brain.  See, the foot long wave creates a sine wave that causes vibrations in the brain.  This causes more folds to develop.  At first, because of more surface area, the person this affects becomes smarter.  This is commonly known as the computer nerd syndrome.  This person surrounds their self with a plethora of wireless devices.  Their brain's surface area is vastly multiplied and this person will temporarily have a superhuman brain.  But lets look later on.  For some reason we never see a computer nerd of age greater than 35.  Why is this?  Well, first the obvious reason, God foresaw that if a computer nerd became president, then America's military and economy would surpass all other nations causing the world to end.  This wouldn't do, so God decided to make it a law that no computer nerd would live to the age required to become American president.

Now, the second reason is a bit trickier.  This is the scientific process that God used to kill off all computer nerds.  There exists a limit at which the brain is unable to continue folding.  This is because as the brain gains surface area, more neurons become active.  This relies on a constant supply of electrolytes found in many "computer nerd drinks" such as soda and coffee.  To maintain the brain, one must drink 30 cans a day of these beverages at this point.  After the brain reaches maximum working capacity, it can no longer fold and gain surface area.  Electromagnetic radiation will still be attacking the brain.  Now what happens when you try to wind up a rubber band band that won't go further?  Simple, it snaps.  A similar process occurs in the brain.  However, instead of snapping, it merely implodes and collapses upon itself.  Still bombarded by radiation, it shrivels up into a piece of broccoli.  This may be bad, but the process is still reversible and curable.  Recall that over half of the brain is composed of fats and other lipids.  It is the lack of it that caused the brain to collapse into a vegetable.  In order to return it to its proper form, one will need to find a surgeon and a capable chef.  The surgeon must open up the skull and remove the broccoli.  Note, that when exposed to the air for too long, it will lose neurons and go bad quickly.  The chef must immediately immerse the broccoli in boiling water.  As it softens, the chef will then transfer it into a pot and add butter, canola oil, glucose, molasses, vegetable oil, fish oil, soy sauce, more oil, and lastly peanut buttered chocolate.  As the sugars and fats are absorbed into the broccoli, it will begin to devegitize.  Return the stir fried broccoli to the skull and seal it in.  After a few days, the oils and fats will seep through the broccoli and rejuvenate the brain.  It is imperative that the patient be kept away from any radiation*, as the brain is very fragile for the next few weeks.  Thus, the patient is cured.

* Author's note: This includes visible light and and stray gamma rays.  Oh, it also includes infrared light if you didn't have enough to deal with already.  I don't care if it's impossible.  Go get 5 meter thick lead shielding and hope for the best luck.  Store the patient in an absolute zero temperature room.  You don't know where to get one?  Not my problem.  Wait until the patient sues you for inadequate medical equipment.  You call yourself a hospital...

Now, what happens when the broccoli brained victim fails to seek treatment?  Without neurons to regulate electricity, more of the body is vegetated.  Turning into a plant isn't so bad, except the human body is incapable of producing enough cellulose for this process.  As resources are moved towards the head to create cell walls, the rest of the body's cells  lose all support and essentially become mush.  After the last of the cellulose reserves are drained, the victim finally succumbs to the worst possible fate.  They inevitably become... catfood.

Such is the fate the befalls anyone bold enough to play with radiation.  As the pet cat feasts on it's new meal, unwary that it is devouring it's former owner, the computer nerd syndrome has claimed yet another life.  But, even worse is that when the cat progresses to eating the former head, it accidentally consumes a vegetable, which most cats hate, especially broccoli.  Animal suffering like this should not be allowed to happen.

The purpose of this section is to go over the mathematics and physics behind radiation's effects on the human brain.  Don't read this unless you like to be bored.  You have been warned.

The energy carried by one particle of radiation is E=hv, where h is the Planck's constant and v is the length of the plank, or the frequency.  So the energy carried by one photon of radio wave frequency is E=6.5x10^-34x10^7=6.5 E -27.  The human brain weights about 1.35 kg, so it will take about 1.35 J to shift the brain into a broccoli shape.  However, the shifting of the brain is random, so it is more likely to take about 100J to shape it correctly.  Then we must find the amount of energy required to morph the cells into plant cells.  The specific heat of the brain is 3.76, and each cell must individually be  boiled to set forth the mutation.  Assuming there is no Newton's Cooling Factor, the total amount of Joules of energy the brain must be exposed to is 5176 J.  Dividing by the amount of energy carried by each radio wave gives 7.96*10^29 photons the brain must be exposed to.

Of course, some cells in the brain cool down before boiling, so it will take a little more energy than this.  Sitting in front of a wireless computer each day will not produce enough concentrated energy to turn even one cell into a plant cell, unless extremely unlucky, let alone the whole brain.  Nor will standing in front of a microwave everyday do this.  Talking on a cellphone a half hour a day will neither.  However, for those who talk on two cellphones 5 hours a day will find their cells vegitized, as well as those who sit surrounded by a circle of wireless laptops and a router on their head.  Note, 5176 J is an extremely high amount of energy, enough to accelerate a Nissan Altima 2 meters per second in one second.  This is the amount of energy it took to finally kill someone.  Good riddance.

Can anyone notice errors in my math or theories here?

Apologies for the sadistic last sentence.  Couldn't resist.