Dealing with Death.
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It is a gift of dharma that we are frequently reminded to remember death. Our own and that of all others. Somehow the recollection of its inevitability is helpful with the moment comes.
I once read an account that said that when victorious armies returned to Rome, they were greeted with chants of "Memento Mori," ...Remember Death.
The experience of constant recollection is not sucking joy from life, but injecting richness into it. Knowing that life is precious and fleeting helps us to appreciate it and shrug off disappointments.
I will remember your mother in my practice, William. I am fortunate to still have my Mom, but lost my Dad in 2001. I remember him every day. And I smile while I continually miss him.
One of the first statements I ever remember reading by His Holiness the Dalai Lama is,"A good Buddhist thinks about death every day."
There are countless reasons for this.
In our culture, it's almost as if death doesn't exist. Everyone on tv and in the movies is young and beautiful. For many, as soon as the parents get old, they get shut away in an old folks home somewhere. And in the hospital, before someone has even been dead for three minutes, they're wrapped up and placed in the morgue.
While visiting my brother and his wife, I once stated, jokingly, "Well, in case I get hit by a Mack truck or something tomorrow..." but couldn't even finish the sentence, because my brother's wife said, "Shhh! Don't even say things like that!"
Pretending death doesn't exist is even incorporated into our Human Resources culture. Immediate loved one dies? Take three days. Be back on Monday.
One of the most fundamental teachings of Buddhism is that everything that is born eventually succumbs to old age, sickness and death. When people hear this, they think,"Oh...Buddhism is soooo depressing!"
But what they don't realize is that if one acknowledges that death is a fundamental aspect of life, and that there are ways to transform the experience for the benefit of others, death is not scary.
The Tibetans have a saying that jokingly goes, "The problem is, most go through their life pretending that like they'll live forever, and then when death comes, they clutch at their chest, when those who are wise know that one should clutch at one's chest now, so that one leads a good life, and dies in peace."
If one thinks about death every day, it makes everything more relevant. Things that you thought were important, suddenly seem fleeting, and maybe some things you take for granted, DO become important.
If you're hanging out with friends on a regular Friday night, and it's time to leave, it's, "Have a good night," whatever, blah, blah, blah.
But say you're with your friends, and you're planning on traveling to Mongolia or India for seven years, and you don't know when you'll see any of these people again. Your words that night may perhaps be a bit kinder, a bit more truthful. The music will seem purer, the hugs a little longer with a little more meaning. Old wrongs don't matter at all.
Thinking of death every day would give you that feeling all the time.
When a friend or coworker tells me someone they know has died, I've come to discover there's only one thing I can say without sounding like an idiot, for the person is gone, and cause and effect has already determined their next stage in the journey of existence. All I can say to that friend or coworker is, "If there's anything I can do to help you, just say the word."
Yes. Death sucks. But, if one has a good life, filled with love and compassion and wisdom, one is able to be in control of death, instead of feeling like death is in control.
Death is a part of life people. Live what you have before its gone.
Not to sound blah about it, just how I see it.
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
I don't recall who said it, I think it was Mark Twain though. Please do correct me if I'm wrong.
A friend of mine wrote this today and I think that it is good advice on how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
I want to write something as today is the second anniversary of the death of my beautiful mother and only dear grandmother of my children. They were all with me and her for the last three months she released herself to cancer and death. What really helped us all trough this experience was that we had been practicing meditation and non attachment already a few years before her death.
Our warm up was the death of our dog two years before my mother. Our vet had wisely told us as our dog, Jack, was approaching death to release him ourselves. Dog's are notoriously loyal, she said, make sure you tell him it is ok to go, that you love him, that he is complete in your hearts and that he may take care of himself and leave his failing body. We did this and coincidentally, or not, he died that night.
I don't think what we did after he died made as much difference as what we did before of practicing this release of him. Having gone through this previous death, while we all grieve sooo much for my mother, we know in the heart breaking pain is beauty and acceptance and a place in buddhist belief for us to meet about it.
Through our practice we can remember that we need to let others follow their path, even into death, and that sorrow is a rich emotion to hold and allow in then let pass as is the richness of our love when it chooses to fully be present in our bodies. I am so grateful to our dog for giving us an opportunity to start bringing death into our lives in a real and visceral way so that my children could begin their understanding before something I may have had more trouble being present for happened.