FUNNY & NOT SO FUNNY CHESS JOKES

I admit that I'm a sucker for bad jokes, I will laugh at anything even when the person telling the joke doesn't think it's funny.

I took it upon myself to comb the internet for chess jokes and I was suprised at how many bad jokes I found. In fairness some of them were good but don't get me started on the rest.

I'm going to post a few of the good ones and a lot of the bad ones on this forum. Anyone can share their jokes too. Let's see if chess players have any sense of humour.

A chess master died - after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him! 
"What's it like, where you are now," he asked. 
"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news." 
"Tell me the good news first." 
"Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them." 
"Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?" 
"You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday." 

Moments when you should feel danger at chess:(... in other words you're @$#%$#)

1. There has been a change in the pawn structure. Your opponent has 8 and you don’t have any.
2. Your opponent begins to throw pawns at your eyes.
3. You have a position won but your opponent has a gun.
4. The Director tells you not to bother turning in your score sheet after the game.
5. Before game begins you notice your opponents 1st initials are ‘GM’.
6. After completing your development you sense your opponent playing the endgame.
7. Just as you make your opening move your opponent announces mate in 11.
8. You don’t control any squares at all.
9. Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter.
10. Your opponent has 3 bishops.

I was tempted to add one more:

11. If you subtract your chess.com rating from your opponents rating and the difference is still more than your rating

Nice one. Here is one i also found:

i remember years ago a russian friend of mine had been a prisoner in a russian gulag back in 1972. he said all the prisoners were listening to a world championship match everyday over a radio. One day when the match was all tied up the guards discovered the radio and took it from the prisoners so they could listen.

well after two weeks of not knowing what had happened in the Fischer Spassky match, a new prisoner arrived. Everyone immediately asked him what had happened in the World Chess Championship match and he said. " i lost. "

That's funny Elikem, but you have to agree with me that chess players have a terrible sense of humour.

My computer beat me at chess...

but guess who won at kickboxing?

Yes, i agree with you.

"Chess is not something that drives people mad," chess-playing psychologist William Hartston once remarked. "Chess is something that keeps mad people sane."

Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don't find out till too late that he's been playing with two queens all along.

In 1925, Reti played against 30 players simultaneously without watching the chess board (blindfold). He won almost all the games. It was a world record. When he was going home after that, he forgot a suitcase. When somebody reminded him about it, Reti said:

"Thank you very much. My memory is so bad......"

i like this one very much. this is very funny.

[true story]

After months of practising on chess.com, I finally went home to face my greatest chess nemesis; my mother.

My mother taught me how to play chess and I had never won a game against her but this was different. Now I was more experienced.

This was going to be a game to remember, a game for the ages, my final test to chesshood. This was it.

As we sat down to play, she served me my favorite food (I hadn't eaten it in years)... DAMN THAT WOMAN, now I couldn't remember why I sat down in the first place.

EASY TIP: How to increase your chess.com rating quickly in just two steps (if you're rated >1200)

1. Loose all the challenges that you're playing right now and allow your rating to drop below 1000.
2. Start challenging players rated below 1000 and see you rating grow quickly before your very eyes

DISCLAIMER: beware of some stubborn <1000 or it'll be a while before you're back to normal... and no, I wasn't dumb enough to try it

Reason why you shouldn't give advice while playing chess

Here I am, an unemployed man living in the UK and playing chess online, My opponent starts with the Queens Gambit again after beating me with it twice already.

My brother walks into the room and complains "Life is too hard, I have to work hard everyday and for what?"

I am trying to decide whether to accept the gambit or decline and I answer "Just buy a gun and rob a bank, If you don't get caught you'll be rich... if you get caught at least you get free food in jail."

He looks at me startled and responds "but I am a black man, what if the police decide to use me for target practice"

I'm still deciding whether to accept or decline the gambit "...you should be happy if that happens, then you won't have to worry about anything ever again."

Now my brother walks away in disbelief and murmurs to himself "I think I'll just volunteer and go to jail".

I still haven't made my move...

If life is a chess board... you are a chess piece and I'm the chess player

~Every Politician

What did the knight say to the pornstar?

"Ill fork you up the butt"

What happens when adult patzers meet expert kids? Hilarious tournament incidents. Here's my story https://www.chess.com/blog/Abemo/the-pathetic-patzer